Welcome to the airport security checkpoint. Please pay attention to all instructions and signage as we guide you through new procedures and attempt to minimize travel delays to and within the United States.
Important: if you need to expedite the screening process in order to make your flight, please identify yourself to uniformed security personnel, who have the authorization to point at you and laugh.
You are now entering the Transportation Security Administration screening zone. Only passengers and masochists are permitted past this point.
Signs have been positioned to help estimate wait times. Senior citizens are permitted to join the lineup only if their affairs are in order.
Please be advised of restrictions on liquids as pertains to carry-on baggage. Liquids in containers measuring 100 ml or more are prohibited, as are liquids deemed “fishy.” Place all other liquids and gels into a clear plastic bag. Make sure the bag is clear, so everyone can see your Anusol. Seal the bag, place a sticker over the seal to preserve the seal’s integrity, sign the sticker with your full legal name to preserve the sticker’s integrity, then deposit the bag into a garbage can. No liquids are permitted on board.
At this point, please remove and discard any and all sharp objects from your pockets, your baggage and your imagination. Passengers who mentally picture a box cutter, a butter knife or nail clippers will trigger the alarm on the MindSweeper™, at which point their subconscious will be strip-searched.
Any reference to “bombs” will be taken seriously and offenders will be prosecuted. To be safe, you may want avoid bringing up the last 10 years of John Travolta movies.
Do not hum.
You are now approaching the screening checkpoint. Passengers travelling with small children and strollers are asked to take the train instead.
Important: books are permitted on flights to and within the United States, but you’ve probably finished yours by now.
Please be advised that for security reasons, there are new limitations on the size of carry-on bags. Only one (1) bag smaller than 7 cm x 3 cm x 0.5 cm—approximately one regulation Chiclets box—is permitted. (Chiclets themselves are strictly prohibited.)
In accordance with recent changes to operational procedures, you are now required to remove your shoes. Step forward. Now remove your belt. Step forward again. Remove your pants. Passengers attired in shorts, skirts, dresses or kilts are required to leave the line and purchase a pair of pants, which must subsequently be removed.
Trousers deemed “terroristy” by screening personnel will be subjected to confiscation. Trousers with waists in excess of 48 inches will be subjected to one (1) reference to that Jared guy from Subway.
If you are travelling with a laptop computer, remove it from your bag and place it in a plastic bin. Place your cellphone and iPod in a separate bin. Place your keys, coins and other metallic objects in a third bin. Remove your suit jacket and place it in a fourth bin, along with your overcoat, your hat and your soul, which by now has left your body.
Are you travelling with a cane? Do you really need one? Let’s find out.
Please present to the security agent your boarding pass, your passport, a second piece of identification, a DNA sample (fresh), your mother (she’ll know if it’s really you), and two notarized images of a CAT scan no more than seven (7) days old.
Proceed forward and stand behind the screen of the body scanner. Raise your arms from your torso, position your legs slightly apart and form your face into an expression that suggests you’re trying hard to remember if you wore underwear today.
Please wait until security personnel signal you to proceed through. Passengers with metal plates, pacemakers or awesome bodies will require more thorough screening.
Proceed to the Manual Inspection Area for a mandatory pat-down. To make passengers more comfortable with this invasive new process, a TSA agent will first buy them dinner.
Please be advised that if a potential menace to civilian aircraft somehow circumvents this security checkpoint, passengers on board the aircraft will be required to act quickly to subdue the threat. To prove you’re up to it, please step forward and tackle All-Pro running back Adrian Peterson. Can’t do it? Two words: Grey. Hound.
Proceed to the checkout area and swipe your credit card to pay your mandatory Security Screening Surcharge. A 15 per cent gratuity will be applied to the bills of all passengers who have been probed rectally.
Congratulations! You have now cleared the TSA’s Security Screening Checkpoint. Please gather your possessions, continue forward and proceed to your appointed departure gate—which is located just beyond the TSA’s Secondary Security Screening Checkpoint.
The line forms here.