Reviewing Tiger’s performance - Macleans.ca

Reviewing Tiger’s performance

Tiger Woods’ statement contained 800% of your recommended daily allowance of Oprah

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Everyone is going to be commenting on Tiger’s first public appearance after it happens at 11 a.m. ET. But this is the 21st century. We have Twitter and BlackBerries and Coke Zero. We should no longer have to wait for events to actually transpire.

Ergo, I thought Tiger seemed nervous, defensive and mentally fragile. Also, I have to admit that I was surprised when he whipped it out.

Okay, it’s time. We know it’s big news because CNN has a fancy graphic: Tiger Talks. They also have a montage of the women with whom Tiger reportedly had sexual relations. Curiously, the photos show all the women in various degrees of scantily cladedness. What a strange coincidence.

Annnnd… it’s over: Tiger looked older and he looked tired. His head seemed smaller. It didn’t help that he appeared to be speaking to us from in front of the window treatments at a standard room in the Tulsa Best Western. He issued an apology and then apologies and more apologies and one special apology, to all you kids out there. (Apology that was least eloquent but probably most sincere: “My behaviour has caused considerable worry to my business partners.”) He raised his voice in the sections of the statement where his professional advisors told him to raise his voice (I AM NOW MAKING A POINT OF EMPHASIS). More apologies, an almost-cry, and several sentences in which he described his own lifestyle and morals in words usually reserved for sociopaths and Charlie Sheen. You know how some cereals contain 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vitamins and minerals? Tiger Woods’ statement contained 800% of your recommended daily allowance of Oprah. I especially enjoyed the weird segue toward the end, when Tiger abruptly started talking about his renewed commitment to Buddhism. Nice try, Scientology. Maybe you’ll land the next one.

Tiger concluded his little speech, 80 days in the writing and rewriting, by saying: “I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.” And then he left the podium and hugged his Mom. And that’s where he lost me. Pre-planned public Mom hugging for sympathy-based purposes?! Right after that passionate declaration about keeping his wife and kids out of the spotlight and LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!! “That last moment was a bit odd,” said the guy on CNN, and the guy on CNN was right.

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