To Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York
From Scott Feschuk, Certified Master Political Strategist*
First, the good news: your recognition numbers are through the roof! People around the world who had no idea you are Governor of New York now know that you are, for the time being, still Governor of New York apparently. Public figures with awareness levels this high usually run for president – but in your case, well, let’s just say you could pretty easily lock up the nomination to serve the next four years as Charlie Sheen’s wingman. (And yes, I’m aware of Ralph Nader’s decision to enter the race.)
As a Certified Master Political Strategist, I see two main problems, or “defining strategic issues,” that stem from you nailing that whore there in Washington:
1. You nailed that whore there in Washington.
2. (and this is the real fly in the ointment) People know you nailed that whore there in Washington.
Quick question: You’ve heard of masturbation, right? Saves time and money. Just throwing that out there.
Governor, your top priority (other than dodging the expensive china you’re wife is currently – duck! – hurling at you) is to reestablish credibility with New York’s working class, the kind of people (watch out – cutlery now!) who a) don’t have $4,300 to spend on four hours with a hooker, and b) don’t have $4,300.
You can do this by pursuing policy reform designed to reduce poverty and increase the minimum wage. Or you can go out and get it on with a good, old-fashioned $10 hooker. Make sure people see you. A vanity license plate LOVE GUV ought to catch an eye or two.
Also, you need to get ahead of this whole “Client No. 9” thing. It’s going to be on T-shirts, in late-night monologues, in your wife’s divorce petition. It’s going to be everywhere. Say the word and I leak that clients were given numbers based on their, uhh, magnitude – if you catch my drift. At the very least you’ll be given wide berth in the state assembly showers.
More broadly, as a Certified Master Political Strategist I can tell you there are Three Potential Courses of Action you can use to respond to this crisis:
Ignore it. Three words, Governor: no hablo inglés. Worked on this episode of Mr. Belvedere I saw.
Embrace it. You did have sex with that hooker. And you’d tap that again, because that #@&! was hot. This will increase your overall likeability factor with whatever demographic the Baldwin brothers are in.
Fight it. Maybe you didn’t have sex with that hooker. Maybe you were charmed by her waif-like innocence and instead spent the two and a half hours talking with her – you know, really talking – about her hopes and dreams and her family back on the farm in Kansas and how proud her Mama would be of what a strong and independent daughter she raised. And you bonded, the two of you – two strangers finding a moment’s peace and clarity in this crazy workaday world. And then she gave you a hand job. No one resigns over a hand job, Governor. It’s practically in the Constitution.
* Certification not applicable in the state of New York, or anywhere.