As it was foretold in the scriptures, so it has come to pass: The Monday Mailbag is risen from the dead. Sadly, the fabric it was wearing over its private bits has biodegraded – so please avert your eyes lest you catch sight of a dangling modifier.
Each Monday** in this blog, I shall once again deign, possibly while glancing distractedly at my fingernails, to answer your questions on current events, life in general and, if pressed, how I came to be in possession of Gene Simmons’ codpiece. (Hint: I needed a pot for soup.)
So leave your query below or email it via the link above – then check back Monday*** as I once again COMPLETELY SATE YOUR CURIOSITY. Please include your city of residence, in case that provides me with an easy punchline, thus freeing me from the onerous task of reading your question. (I’m talking to you, Moncton.)
For those of you new to this unstoppable global cultural phenomenon, I am including below some samples of previous mailbag questions and answers as taken from the National Archives, where they have their own shelf next to Photographs of Peter MacKay Subtly Flexing As He Walks Past Foreign Female Diplomats.
** Respecting a tradition born of procrastination, the Monday Mailbag appears Tuesdays.
Previously on the Monday Mailbag on Tuesday:
Scott: Inspired by the Aboriginals, I’m planning a White Guys’ Day of Action. You in? W.W., Brampton, Ont.
Damn straight. At long last – a way to draw much-needed public attention to our centuries of affluence, good fortune and ever-increasing prosperity! Instead of blockading VIA trains, we shall board them… after purchasing first-class tickets at full fare. Then we’ll have a glass of Scotch and goddamn it people will pay attention and give us what we want, starting with a second glass of Scotch. I see things wrapping up noonish.
Scott: Could you please review the new Osama bin Laden video in the voice of Gene Shalit? – T.N., Regina
“Good morning and welcome to the Critic’s Corner! Osama bin Laden is one star who never bora boras his audience, and his latest thriller is no exception! This hirsute heavy was born to terrorize not only innocent civilians but also the box office! His new production promises to put the “ho! ho! ho!” in a future holocaust of his own making – it’s a jolly, feel-good tour de force that chronicles the many shameful elements of western civilization and forecasts our imminent fiery demise! Oh well, on the bright side I guess I don’t have to practice for my piano lesson this week! This blockbuster’s only false note comes from bin Laden’s obsession with his appearance – especially his decision to dye his beard. Hey Osama: I thought it was al Qaeda, not al Gay-da! When you give us the kiss of death, does this mean you’ll be wearing apoca-lipstick?! Ha ha ha. But that’s just one small beef in a delightful main course of a tasty movie that’s sure to satisfy every cinematic appetite! Osama may know how to plant a bomb, but he never directs one!”
Scott: I know you wrote for [Paul] Martin, so I was just wondering if you caught [Stephen] Harper’s Canada Day speech [on Sunday]. I’d be interested in your take on his belief that, all things considered, Canada owes its success to him and to God, likely in that order. – C.Y., Ottawa
For those who missed it, the Prime Minister used his speech before tens of thousands on Parliament Hill to declare that “the news is spreading throughout the world: Canada’s back!” I know you probably celebrated our great nation last Canada Day, and the one before that, and the one before that, but the joke is on you because all along the country was actually an embarrassing shithole! Apparently only by the divine grace of Stephen Harper has Canada tucked in its shirt, gotten a job and become presentable to the global community. Golly, thank you Mr. Harper sir! Kudos, you Blofeldian megalomaniac! You could have rescued and transformed any country but – eyes tearing up with emotion… hard to see keyboard… – but you picked… us. [Insert uplifting soundtrack and footage of Canada skipping merrily through an alpine meadow here.]
Next up for Stephen Harper now that he’s miraculously restored Canada’s long-lost awesomeness: curing the common cold with his farts!
I also found it intriguing that Harper used his speech to reference “the natural wealth of the land that God created.” That God created, eh? Okaaaaay. I think it’s worth following up on this. I encourage members of the press gallery to ask the Prime Minister precisely when God created Canada? On the third day? The fifth? While John A. Macdonald was passed out? Did God happen to do it, say, 6,000 years ago while Stockwell Day’s ancestors were busy showing the brontosaurus what’s what? Or was giving credit to God for creating Canada and its abundance of resources really just a clever ploy to force Jesus Christ to take Danny Williams’ next call about the Atlantic Accord?