CBC began its Friday night hockey broadcast by using the eloquent words of one of history’s great civil rights leaders to glorify a 41-year-old left winger for the Pittsburgh Penguins.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,” read the quote on the screen, “but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. – Martin Luther King Jr.” Cut to footage of… Gandhi Gary Roberts!
When he wrote this famous line in his book Strength to Love, King referenced the good Samaritan and Abraham Lincoln and others who had made hard choices in life – but, you know, it probably applies equally to incredibly wealthy guys from North York who chase around a black rubber disc for money.
Makes me wish CBC was covering the Captials-Flyers series so they could liken Alex Ovechkin to Jesus Christ. Because, you know, the beards.
The final round of the Masters began with one of its most enduring traditions – CBS’s Jim Nantz turned up to 11, reading his “inspirational” scene-setting prose over the sound of 4,000 violins and the sad little whimpers of the English language being pistol whipped. “The Masters tournament stirs the soul! A spiritual replenishment!” Nantz assured us. “The circle of life at Augusta!… The precipice of history!… It’s a journey born in the heart!” Also, there will apparently be some golf.
Gusts of up to 30 mph were forecast for Sunday at Augusta, and three times that in the vicinity of Nantz’s noisehole. Only he, and possibly the bastard child of Norman Mailer and a thesaurus, could use so many words in the place of just one: wind. “That invisible yet undeniable intangible!” Nantz called it. He went on to say this of the Masters: “It’s a solitary journey, but it’s one that no player makes alone.” Whaaa? All that and not a single word about the disturbing fact that Brandt Snedeker, one of the two golfers in the final pairing, so closely resembles Clay Aiken? Talk about missing the story.
My experiences on the weekend led to an idea for a new reality show: Canada’s Worst Retail Sales Clerks. A couple hidden cameras, a couple trips to Canadian Tire and Home Depot, and you’ve got yourself a hit television program.
I’m confident the guys who “helped” me out would easily make it to the final episode. Put it this way: my quest for assistance in finding a plumbing part at Canadian Tire would have been less painful if the store’s employee had beaten me over the head with a baseball bat – but it would have taken him 40 minutes to stop talking to his buddy and find the right aisle.