To make it as a columnist in the 21st century, you need to be willing to tackle the tough questions that confront modern society. Or you can be a white, middle-aged male.
I am all two of those things. Let’s do this.
Tough question No. 1: Would Jesus Christ really be a good dinner guest?
It’s been asked of everyone: which three people, living or dead, would you invite to a dinner party? “I’d invite Jesus,” most people automatically say, as though the resurrected scion of an omnipotent deity didn’t have any better options on a Friday night than cheese fondue and Scattergories.
Don’t get me wrong: Jesus has a lot going for him as a potential guest. He’d be wise, inspiring and eloquent. Plus, imagine the look on your neighbours’ faces when the son of God pulls into your driveway. Classic.
Jesus’s presence would also help keep down costs. Good gravy, we’re out of wine and bread and—whoa, no we’re not! And look: now we’ve got thousands of fish for dessert. Thanks, Jesus! I mean, don’t worry about the mess or the smell or anything. But wow, cool, fish. Fish everywhere. [Doorbell rings.] I wonder who that could—oh, lepers. Jesus, it’s for you.
Let’s be honest—Jesus is great and tall and everything but this is supposed to be my dinner and there he is, hogging the limelight with his stories of dying for our sins and pioneering the sandals-without-socks look. I wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise with my other guests, Ace Frehley and Batman.
The key to a successful imaginary dinner party is not to overreach. You want a trio of guests who are less interesting and successful than yourself so you can be the centre of attention. That’s why Jesus’s Dad created for us three opposition party leaders.
Tough question No. 2: What will happen in the new Sex and the City movie?
Samantha will make it with, like, 80 guys.
Charlotte, upon hearing that Samantha has made it with 80 guys, will go, “Eww.” Everyone will laugh because that is sooo Charlotte.
Miranda will keep interrupting to say, “I’m a better actress than you three, and I have an actual career—why am I doing this again?”
We’ll find out Carrie was a dude the whole time.
Tough question No. 3: When will we have a cloak of invisibility like in the Harry Potter books?
Researchers are working on it, and they appear to be getting closer. Apparently the whole thing hinges on something called “metamaterial”—which negatively refracts light in such a way that it could render objects effectively invisible. I don’t want to get bogged down in the science of it all but the principle is similar to how the 1990s acted on the film career of Judd Nelson.
That said, I’m not sure I see this development as uniformly positive. Yes, we’ll be able to hide huge objects, like frigates and most of Sarah Palin’s vacuity. But I’m worried about this trend of the fictional world bleeding into the real world. The consequences could be dire. How long until our most attractive young ladies begin to think of Woody Allen as sexually desirable? How will we cope when all of our romantic relationships are set to a montage featuring a song by Smash Mouth? It’s too high a price to pay.
Tough question No. 4: Why doesn’t Victoria’s Secret care if we live or die?
I spent some time exploring the Victoria’s Secret website and I was shocked by what I read when, after two hours, I realized there were words there.
The lingerie company is on the cutting edge of modern research and development. They speak of creating “the world’s most advanced bra.” They boast of their ingenuity in building the “softest bras ever” that are “virtually weightless” and “shoot laser beams.” (I’m paraphrasing brainstorming.)
One of the company’s newest bras boldly promises “a cleavage (and ego) boost for instant hourglass oomph.” This is a remarkable advance. A half-century ago, the frenzied pursuit of “hourglass oomph” typically involved an intricate series of levers and a team of stout men. By 2000, most women in the developed world had access to brassieres that could reliably provide hourglass vavoom. But hourglass oomph? That remained the fevered dream of a madman.
Today, at last, there is the Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy® Infinity Edge® push-up bra with Gel-Curve®. And here’s the unnerving truth: you can’t build an undergarment with that many registered trademarks without the hard effort of many trained scientists.
These are smart people who could be curing cancer or finding innovative ways to capture and forever store carbon emissions and/or Justin Bieber. Instead, they are dedicating their lives to creating bras so advanced that amorous young men now need a master’s degree to get to second base.
I intend to raise this issue when I invite three of the company’s models to join me at my dinner party.