MONTREAL – Stephane Dion announced this morning that he’ll move immediately to shore up his party’s long-shot electoral chances by purchasing campaign offsets from other political figures around the world.
Under the plan, Dion and the Liberals will buy goodwill, charisma and a hope in hell from political parties outside Canada – thus compensating for the sense of despair and fruitlessness being emitted by their own campaign.
The Liberal leader has been struggling to halt the momentum of the Conservatives on the right, growing support for New Democrats and Greens on the left, and who knows, better keep our eyes on those Libertarians.
“We are absolutely committed to reducing our futility footprint – it’s the right thing to do for the Liberal party and it’s the right thing to do for…” said Dion, who vowed to finish his sentence once the oratorical offsets from Barack Obama kicked in.
The Liberal campaign is widely accepted to be the least politically efficient of all the national parties, releasing significant quantities of gloom and ineffective messaging into the campaign atmosphere.
These emissions will henceforth be offset by excess popularity and surplus rhetoric purchased from people such as Sarah Palin and David Cameron. The transaction will make the Liberals the first political party in Canada to be competence-neutral.
This isn’t the first time offsets have been used in 2008. Shortly after visiting the Governor-General to launch the election, Stephen Harper purchased cozy sweater offsets from the estate of Mr. Rogers.
Looking for more?
Get the best of Maclean's sent straight to your inbox. Sign up for news, commentary and analysis.