you don't mess with the lohan

Mingling Moms, a social networking group on Long Island, has bestowed the title of Top Mom on, of all people, Dina Lohan – mother of Lindsay Lohan. One of several celebrity moms honoured, Dina was cited for her “behind the scenes” contributions to her daughter’s “tremendous career.”

Because I’m all about giving back, here are some prepared remarks for Dina to use upon accepting the honour…

Ladies and gentlemen:

A parenting award – for me? Did Lynne Spears have a scheduling conflict? [Pause for laughter.]

Let me begin tonight by saying from the bottom of my heart – a cash bar? Really? You people sicken me.

But I appreciate the recognition. I do. Some people think it’s easy being a mother of a big-time Hollywood superstar, but it’s not. There’s a lot of responsibility. Sometimes a mother has to be the one to remind her daughter to forget to wear underwear. [Pause for nods of agreement.]

They grow up so fast. One day you’ve got them strapped into a chair, feeding them mashed carrots. The next day, they’re stoned out of their minds and being dragged to Betty Ford. The day after that, you’ve got them strapped into a chair, feeding them mashed carrots.


What makes a Top Mom?

It’s not about how about many times your child has been arrested for DUI [hold up two fingers].

It’s not about how many times your child has been admitted to rehab [hold up three fingers].

It’s not about how many sexual liaisons your child has had [use finger to draw “infinity’ symbol in air].

It’s about being there for your child –

there to hold her stash when she’s wearing a dress without pockets…

there to hold her dress when she takes it off to dance on top of the table at a trendy club or Red Lobster…

there with a magnifying glass to determine once and for all whether those are genital warts…

there to hold back her hair when she vomits, then to apologize to the police officer on whose shoes the vomit landed, and then to flirt with the police officer and maybe make out with him a little bit, even if it means letting your daughter’s hair fall and get vomit in it. I’m sorry, Lindsay! He smiled at me and had sideburns!

I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve taught Lindsay a lot. And I’ve learned a lot from Lindsay, too. One thing I’ve learned is that Mama loses control of the bank account when the kid turns 18. Stupid age of majority.

But I have another daughter. She’s 14 and I’m forcing her star in a lucrative reality TV show that debuts this summer. Folks, the next round’s on me!

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