With 2015 nearing its end, let’s take a look at how some of the year’s top newsmakers would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
1. Gather 50,000 people in his kitchen.
2. In one powerful motion, squeeze together two slices of bread topped with peanut butter and jelly.
3. Admire the sandwich for just a little too long.
4. Casually flip the knife in celebration.
1. Claim to have invented peanut butter.
2. Disparage other sandwich ingredients: “Ham? Ham is sandwich garbage.”
3. Build a wall inside his fridge to keep the salsa away from the jelly.
4. Steal Jeb Bush’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and also his milk money.
5. Install garish “Trump Sandwich” sign along the crust.
1. Take the peanut butter down from the cupboard.
2. Gaze wistfully at the peanut butter, allowing the sight of the label to transport her back into the embrace of a lost love, his tender touch upon her shoulder, two bodies entwined now as one, until abruptly she is returned to the grey morning light of reality, and the reminder of choices made. He is gone now, gone from her life, gone forever, and nothing will ever bring back his strong hands and warm heart, and yet still she stares at the peanut butter and dreams of what was, and what might have been.
3. Write a song about how the bastard took the jelly with him.
1. Use bare hands to cram huge gobs of peanut butter into a defenceless jar of jelly.
2. Publicly deny the presence of peanut butter in the jelly, while licking hands clean of peanut butter and jelly.
3. Remove shirt.
1. Smear peanut butter all over his face.
2. Smush handful of jelly on top of his head.
3. Use a household adhesive to affix one slice of bread to each buttock.
4. Still be only the third-least competent contender in the Republican presidential field.
1. Reject media allegations that she made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Dismiss as offensive the ongoing speculation that, despite her denials, she did in fact make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
3. Deny categorically any knowledge of the purchase of ingredients commonly found in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
4. Apologize to the American people for having lied about not making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
1. Make an absolutely amazing peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Feign surprise the sandwich is for her.
1. Create a national grassroots movement to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
2. Declare the unequal distribution of peanut butter on the bread to be the defining issue of the sandwich.
3. Yell at the jelly: “Listen to me, okay? You’re covering just as much bread as the peanut butter—but you cost half as much! It’s ridiculous! Such inequality, and they expect us to just take it?”
4. Contend that white bread is an antiquated tool of the political oligarchy and whole-grain is the only way to prosper in tomorrow’s competitive sandwich economy.
5. Wave hand dismissively.
1. Agree to snap a selfie with the jar of peanut butter.
2. Take a selfie alongside the jar of jelly.
3. Nineteen consecutive selfies with each slice of bread, and the knife, and the plate, oh and the plate wants to know if Trudeau could take a few photos with a dozen bowls, six milk glasses, a gravy boat and this shrieking throng of Asian sandwich enthusiasts.
4. Die of hunger.