Let’s read between the lines of Donald Trump’s crazy-ass Feb. 16 press conference. His words are in bold.
I just wanted to begin by mentioning that the nominee for secretary of the Department of Labor will be Mr. Alex Acosta.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes the only non-bats–t-cuckoo sentence of my time with you today. Please drive safely.”
I’m here to update the American people on the incredible progress that has been made in the last four weeks since my inauguration. I don’t think there’s ever been a president elected who in this short period of time has done what we’ve done.
The closest parallel that history offers is the administration of William Howard Taft, who is rumoured to have spent his first four weeks in office pooping himself.
A new Rasmussen poll just came out just a very short while ago, and it has our approval rating at 55 percent and going up.
Factoid: “Rasmussen” is Norwegian for “highly dubious.”
I’m making this presentation directly to the American people, with the media present, which is an honor to have you.
“I’m talking as though English is my second language, with the syntax all scrambled and weird, where is apple horse moustache.”
Unfortunately, much of the media in Washington, D.C., along with New York, Los Angeles in particular, speaks not for the people, but for the special interests and for those profiting off a very, very obviously broken system.
Ever the savvy populist, Trump gets right to the heart of what working-class Americans want most from their new president – to spend 80 per cent of his day taking the coastal media elites down a peg.
The press honestly is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.
“Wolf Blitzer calls his show The Situation Room. But he’s not actually in my Situation Room! I EVEN LOOKED UNDER THE TABLE! Also, did you know he’s not really a wolf? FAKE WOLF.”
Our administration inherited many problems across government and across the economy. To be honest, I inherited a mess. It’s a mess. At home and abroad, a mess.
Low unemployment, a soaring stock market, record domestic oil production. #OhTheHumanity.
We’ll take care of it folks. We’re going to take care of it all. I just want to let you know, I inherited a mess.
The buck stops… somewhere way over there [points toward Greenland].
They’ve spread like cancer. ISIS has spread like cancer—another mess I inherited.
WAHHHH! BEING PWESIDENT IS HARD!
On foreign affairs, we’ve already begun enormously productive talks with many foreign leaders. We have had great conversations with the United Kingdom, and meetings. Israel, Mexico, Japan, China and Canada, really, really productive conversations. I would say far more productive than you would understand.
“Your feeble minds can scarcely conceive of how productive these conversations were. At one point, through sheer force of will, I personally transcended the need for verbs. Trudeau and I mostly just hummed.”
Our country will never have had a military like the military we’re about to build and rebuild.
Gold tanks! Very tasteful!
Some of the things I’m doing probably aren’t popular but they’re necessary for security and for other reasons.
Top five “other reasons”:
- To enrich myself and my family.
- Vengeance against my enemies, real and imagined.
- Bannon forged my signature while I was in the can.
- Spun the Wheel of Crazy.
- On accident.
I turn on the TV, open the newspapers and I see stories of chaos [in the White House]. Chaos. Yet it is the exact opposite.
You would not believe the serenity! Why, just this morning, Pence was doing Yin yoga in the oval sanctuary when Reince emerged from his waking dream state just in time to restart his Enya playlist.
This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine. Let me list to you some of the things that we’ve done in just a short period of time:
- Bitched about inaugural crowd estimates for like 10 days.
- Failed cabinet nominee.
- National Security Advisor forced to resign.
- Proposed replacement turned down the job.
- Lost in court a couple times.
- Got in a fight with… Australia??
- Endured massive leaks to the media.
- Handled top secret foreign policy crisis on a restaurant patio.
- New drapes.
We’ve issued a game-changing new rule that says for each one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated. Makes sense.
Makes total sense. Complete sense. Yes, you can have your one new regulation restricting the flow of waste water into that river—but we’re going to take away the regulations that prevent people from filling it with gasoline and setting it on fire.
The wall is going to be a great wall and it’s going to be a wall negotiated by me. The price is going to come down just like it has on everything else I’ve negotiated for the government.
Why does the price matter? I thought Mexico was paying for the thing. Go ahead and splurge! Use the most luxurious concrete and only the finest artisanal barbed wire. TRUMP THAT SUCKER UP.
Our administration is working night and day to keep you safe.
“When the sun goes down, I transform into a masked vigilante of the D.C. night! Criminals and lowlifes shall quake in fear at the leotarded sight of PRESIDENT BATMAN.”
I keep my campaign promises, and our citizens will be very happy when they see the result. They already are, I can tell you that.
His negatives are triple those of Obama at the same point.
We’ve begun preparing to repeal and replace Obamacare. Obamacare is a disaster, folks. It’s a disaster. I know you can say, ‘Oh, Obamacare.’ I mean, they fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there.
You probably assume Trump is speaking figuratively here – but I bet Paul Ryan actually paid a bunch of homeless people to stand around in an alley, looking all wounded or queasy. And then he drove Trump past and was all, “It breaks my heart to see these poor Obamacare victims. We’re starting to run out of alleys to put them in!”
If a country is taking advantage of us, not going to let that happen anymore. Every country takes advantage of us almost.
That Butts guy from Canada took a whole handful of mints from the dish on my secretary’s desk! A HANDFUL!
Intel just announced that it will move ahead with a new plant in Arizona that probably was never going to move ahead with.
“Probably.” Can you imagine how big a falsehood it must be if Trump lowers himself to using a qualifier like “probably?” For the record, Intel says the opening of the new plant (which was built years ago) has nothing to do with Trump’s election. But you probably didn’t need me to tell you that, did you?
There has never been a presidency that’s done so much in such a short period of time. And we have not even started the big work yet. That starts early next week.
Monday: Tax cut for wealthy.
Tuesday: Free guns for hotheads.
Wednesday: The extradition of Don Lemon.
Thursday: The Purge (immigrants only)
Friday: The Purge II (fat chicks only)
Mike Flynn is a fine person, and I asked for his resignation. He respectfully gave it.
OK, that clears that up. Thanks for the explanation, Mr. President.
He didn’t have to do that, because what he did wasn’t wrong.
What was wrong was the way that other people, including yourselves in this room, were given that information, because that was classified information that was given illegally. That’s the real problem.
So you asked your National Security Advisor to resign because other people found out that he didn’t do anything wrong? Got it. Makes total sense. [Mike Flynn places heavy stones in his pockets and walks slowly into the ocean.]
You can talk all you want about Russia—fake news, fabricated deal. I saw a couple of the people that were supposedly involved with all of this. They know nothing about it. They weren’t in Russia. They never made a phone call to Russia. They never received a phone call.
“Russia? Not a single person on my staff has so much as seen Rocky IV!”
It’s all fake news. The nice thing is, I see it starting to turn, where people are now looking at the illegal—I think it’s very important—the illegal, giving out classified information. It was—and let me just tell you, it was given out like so much.
Like, sooooo much, bro. I’m starting to think this entire presidency may in fact be an extended audition for a role on Letterkenny.
I own nothing in Russia. I have no loans in Russia. I don’t have any deals in Russia.
“I literally could not even point to Russia on a map. Wait, did I say Russia—I don’t know why I’d say that word because I’ve never even heard of Russia. I mean… Drussia.”
President Putin called me up very nicely to congratulate me on the win of the election. He then, called me up extremely nicely to congratulate me on the inauguration, which was terrific.
Donald Trump would put a vanity license plate on his presidential limo except there’s not enough room to print I M SUSCEPTIBLE 2 YR FLATTERY.
Russia is fake news.
Iceland is fake cold. Britain is fake weather. Canada is fake us.
I never get phone calls from the media. How did they write a story like that in The Wall Street Journal without asking me or how did they write a story in The New York Times, put it on front page?
Guys, I’m totally not doing anything. Pick up the phone and call me anytime at 1-800-THE-PREZ.
What happens when I’m dealing with the problems in the Middle East? Are you folks going to be reporting all of that very, very confidential information, very important, very—you know, I mean at the highest level? What happens when I’m dealing with the problem of North Korea?”
Good question. Let’s ask the wait staff at Mar-A-Lago how they’re going to handle it.
I don’t want classified information getting out to the public and in a way [the leak of his call with the president of Mexico] was almost a test.
I totally meant to get caught having that affair. I was TESTING the strength of our marriage. And you passed, honey. Good job by you!
Well the leaks are real… The news is fake because so much of the news is fake.
Please try to follow along. Warning: This may hurt.
- Secret information is being leaked.
- The leaked information is real.
- The moment this information is reported by the media, it becomes fake.
- It becomes fake because it is surrounded by other fake news.
- Ergo, fake news is… contagious!
I don’t mind bad stories. I can handle a bad story better than anybody.
“Ask anyone! I am very famous for my even temperament. My friends are always saying, ‘Mr. President, stop being so measured and utterly reasonable!’ ”
I watch CNN, it’s so much anger and hatred and just the hatred. I don’t watch it any more.
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Mr. Yogi Berra.
Tomorrow, they will say, “Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.” I’m not ranting and raving. I’m just telling you. You know, you’re dishonest people. But I’m not ranting and raving.
“I’m not insulting you either, you heaping sacks of dog crap.”
We had Hillary Clinton try and do a reset. We had Hillary Clinton give Russia 20 per cent of the uranium in our country. You know what uranium is, right? This thing called nuclear weapons like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.
Do you think they dumb it down when they brief the president? I bet they do. I bet they add in basic explanatory stuff that they’d have never said to Obama. ‘So, Mr. President, we are worried about the security of these uranium stockpiles. Uranium is radioactive element that can be used in a bomb. A bomb is a thing that goes boom.’
I think Putin probably assumes that he can’t make a deal with me anymore because politically it would be unpopular for a politician to make a deal. I can’t believe I’m saying I’m a politician, but I guess that’s what I am now.
We can’t believe it either, buddy. But it would be great if you could reinforce our disbelief by saying something that makes you sound like a complete ignoramus:
We’re a very powerful nuclear country and so [is Russia]. I have been briefed. And I can tell you one thing about a briefing that we’re allowed to say because anybody that ever read the most basic book can say it: nuclear holocaust would be like no other.
Thanks. That did the trick.
To sum up: Donald Trump has access to his country’s highest-ranking, most decorated officials and they held a formal meeting to inform him that nuclear war is bad. Next week’s lesson: Coal – should I eat it?
I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to tell you what I’m going to do in North Korea. Wait a minute. I don’t have to tell you what I’m going to do in North Korea. And I don’t have to tell you what I’m going to do with Iran.
You’re not the boss of me! Now get off my property or I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party! MY BROTHER IS BIGGER THAN YOUR BROTHER!
Let me tell you about the travel ban. We had a very smooth rollout of the travel ban… The rollout was perfect.
So perfect! FLAWLESS EVEN! It was as though Crystal Pepsi was being launched on a Zune during the premiere of Waterworld.
So here’s the story, folks. Number one, I am the least anti-Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Number two, racism, the least racist person.
Great story, Don. I believe that story is called: Things a Non-Racist President Doesn’t Have to Keep Reiterating.
And by the way, that’s a weird defence, isn’t it? ‘I am the least racist person you’ve ever seen. Basically, I consider other races inferior, but I’m not a huge dick about it. I mean, I’ll hand out a pamphlet or two—but I’m not going to be the guy spray-painting a swastika. Now that’s the most racist person ever.’
[Melania], like others that she’s working with, feel very, very strongly about women’s issue, women’s difficulties. Very, very strongly, she’s a very, very strong advocate.
Women’s Difficulties sounds like a product you’d find in the tampon aisle.
A funny thing happens, because she gets — she gets so unfairly — Melania, the things they say. I’ve known her for a long time, she was a very successful person, she was a very successful model. She did really well.
‘I’ve known her for a long time’ is a weird phrase to use in describing your relationship with your spouse. It’s like saying, ‘We’ve had conversations and eaten meals together.’
She was always the highest quality that you’ll ever find.
What woman doesn’t get weak in the knees when her husband describes her in terms usually applied to a cut of beef?
I’ll just tell you this. I think she’s going to be a fantastic first lady. She’s going to be a tremendous representative of women and of the people. And helping her and working her will be Ivanka, who is a fabulous person and a fabulous, fabulous woman.
Maybe they should have a briefing to tell the President that women are considered people now.
[The President calls on an African American reporter from PBS.]
Reporter: Are you going to include the Congressional Black Caucus and the Congressional —
Trump: Well, I would. I tell you what, do you want to set up the meeting?
Reporter: — Hispanic Caucus —
Trump: Do you want to set up the meeting?
Reporter: No — no — no. I’m not —
Trump: Are they friends of yours?
“All black people know one another. That’s an established fact. Just like Canadians and squirrels.”
We’re not going to try and stop crime—we’re going to stop crime.
[Slides down presidential Bat-pole.]