Feschuk: Donald Trump takes the oaf of office

Now that Donald Trump has won the electoral college, Scott Feschuk envisions the president-elect’s inauguration on Jan. 20



Let’s look ahead to Jan. 20, 2017:

Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court: Please raise your right hand and repeat after me.

Donald Trump: OK, sure. I can do that no problem. And, by the way, you’re going to notice right away: normal hand. Regular-sized hand. Very presidential.

Chief Justice: I, Donald John Trump . . .

Trump: I, Donald J. Trump . . .  meaning John . . .  the J., I mean. So I, Donald John—that’s the J. part—Trump . . .

Chief Justice: Do solemnly swear . . .

Trump: I do that. I swear it and I mean it, big league. No one is more solemn at this moment. Melania, close second, also very solemn. The kids, everyone. Don Jr. was just saying this morning: “Solemn day.” And I was like, “You’re right.”

Chief Justice: That I will faithfully execute . . .

Trump: And I will, by the way—I will execute very faithfully, if you want to know the truth. Jobs coming back. Wall going up—or a fence maybe. Something wall-like. ISIS—kaboom! Dreams coming true, even for the haters and the losers. We’re going to make America great again for everyone. Even Rosie O’Donnell, OK? Although maybe not her. I know that’s not part of the oath but honestly maybe it should be: “That I, the president, will make America great but not for Rosie, who is the worst.”

Chief Justice: The office of president of the United States . . .

Trump: Ivanka, come here. Come here, Ivanka. Come over here. Isn’t she beautiful, Mr. Chief Justice? Beautiful and gorgeous and good-looking. All right, honey, go back over there. You’re wonderful and attractive.

Chief Justice: And will to the best of my ability . . .

Trump: Which is excellent ability, by the way. Very good with the ability. No one’s got more ability than Trump, if you want to know the truth. I was just saying the other day . . .  actually hang on a minute . . .  [takes out phone and types] . . .  I just had to do a tweet because I remembered on CNN—terrible liars, literally the worst and most horrible people, total scum—on CNN they put on this loser with dumb glasses and a stupid face who said, “Trump has no ability. He has the least ability.” And yet many people are saying: not true. Lots of ability. Possibly too much ability, to be honest. Pretty soon the American people, they’re going to be calling the White House and they’re going to be saying, “Mr. President, please stop. Stop having so much ability.” And honestly, I’m not sure I’ll be able to.

Chief Justice: Preserve, protect and defend . . .

Trump: Pretect, profend and deserve. And I do deserve, by the way—meaning this, the presidency. I do deserve. People are saying, “Oh, look, Hillary got more votes”—but people voted illegally. Millions. And they all voted for Hillary probably. Massive fraud. Mexicans. Syrians, maybe. Several hippies. I don’t think she actually got any real votes, honestly. How could she have? Maybe Bill but also maybe not Bill.

Chief Justice: The Constitution of the United States . . .

Trump: Great constitution, by the way. One of the best. The best, actually, and it’s not even close. Other constitutions are like, “I wish I was that constitution.” And can I just say: Is this a great crowd here, or what? Thousands. Millions. Tens of millions maybe. Biggest ever probably. And I love you all! All of you, even those who aren’t staying at the Trump International, just down the street from the White House, very convenient and luxurious. Saw a review online—the guy said, “Great sinks.” And he’s right. He’s very right. The best sinks and the best everything.

Chief Justice: So help me God.

Trump: You betcha. Great oath. Very good job by you, Mr. Chief Justice. So does a guy just come now and give me the nuclear codes? Or is that like an email thing with the Yahoo and the clicking?

Wait, I’m forgetting the part where my new poet laureate reads a poem. That great limerick. Where’s Billy Bush?


Feschuk: Donald Trump takes the oaf of office

  1. Sadly, this is not that far off from the truth! This presidency will be a joke.

  2. Scott Feschuk is living proof of the truth of the adage” Prophecy has been taken from the prophets and given to fools.”
    Not only that, but the content of his “vision” is not even slightly humorous.
    One might argue that Feschuk should have the courtesy and decency to wait until Trump is actually sworn in and serving as President before reducing him to an oaf.
    But Feschuk can and should be forgiven. As a fulminating example of Trump Derangement Syndrome, he is innocent and not responsible for the drivel he produces by reason of insanity.

    • Yes Eleanor they won’t be Laughing when The US Economy Roars past Ours now that Zoolander has Knee capped us with a Tax on EVERYTHIHG..

    • Feschuk’s vision is very humourous.

      Also humourous is the ability amongst Trump’s supporters to take Trump so seriously.

      And the notion that he should be sworn in before being branded an oaf, again very very humourous.

    • He is afflicted by the “pandemic of denial”

  3. Really, Maclean’s? I expect to see this calibre of writing in Vanity Fair. Is the New York Times a controlling shareholder now?

  4. Yes, I can enjoy the humour, but the title is too close to insulting.

    Okay Emily, your turn. ;-)

  5. The anti-Trump rhetoric is both unseemly and premature. At least the critics should hold their fire until he takes Office.
    With apologies to the late John Lennon, “All I Am Saying Is Give Trump A Chance.”

    • The idea of unseemliness is wholly foreign to Trump. And one would think 70 years of life in the public eye is as good a chance as any to prove whether or not you are an oaf. It only remains to be seen if Trump is a murderous oaf.

  6. So very Trump-like. I mean, really, really Trump-like. Couldn’t have given us any more Trump-like if you had tried. And you sure tried. Very hard. Yes!

    Now that I’ve read the transcript of the inauguration, I won’t have to watch it in order to know what happened. Thanks, Scott.

    • It is a relief to NOT have to watch the real thing- not that I was planning to do so.
      I hope to see and hear as little of the Oaf in Office as possible..
      BTW- someone at the WaPo had a great line- “The 3 Am-EGOS”- Trump, Putin and Netanyahu !

  7. I have always enjoyed the quality of Canada’s print media when I spend winter in Canada from Australia.
    Scott Feschuk ‘envisioning’ is neither journalistic comment/analysis, comedy, and certainly not satire!! Probably more appropriate published on the post Xmas party email as an activity motivated by both boredom and substance excess!!
    I would see that this time of political change/upheaval to be an opportunity for journalists to use their analytical/critical thinking skills to inform and lead, rather than to indulge themselves.

    • Feschuk is a humourist- not an analyst nor an educator.
      Australian humour used to be self deprecating- or it was when I lived there. What happened ?

  8. There is great irony in the fact that a million-dollar ceremony will celebrate a shameless liar and cheat making a solemn promise.
    Trump once confessed that when he watched his second bride, Marla Maples, coming down the aisle for their wedding, his thought was: “I’m already bored.”
    I wonder what will be going through his mind on this historic occasion.

  9. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
    Those anti-Trump voices may not realize it yet, but if they have any stock market investments, they are approximately 8% richer today than they were on Nov.8,2016, US election day.
    That added wealth is solely attributable to the world-wide optimism in the financial world that Trump will be an excellent President.

  10. How disgraceful ! You can’t write anything nice about the president elect , so you write this tripe !
    Are Canadians really this stupid ? You sound like the Mama boys that still can’t believe the Dems lost !

    • People without a sense of humour are often very literal. And you are literally correct when you write “can’t write anything nice about the president-elect”. There is, indeed, nothing nice that one can say about him.

      And to be outraged that a person who got to the white house in part by calling his opponents names (“loser”, “crooked”, “pathetic”, etc) is now called an oaf is pretty disengenuous. Trump is the last person on earth concerned with civil discourse, something his supporters apparently admire about him.

      • Laurentian seems to be more concerned about Trump’s vocabulary than his actual accomplishments.
        In the past year or so he has single-handedly destroyed the Democratic Party, revolutionized the Republican Party, put an end to the Bush, Clinton, and Obama dynasties, won the American Presidency, and promised to make America great again.
        What’s so bad about that? His intemperate use of words?
        Would Laurentian reconsider his appraisal of Trump if he took and passed an elocution course?

        • Oops, sorry, I thought you were talking about Hillary for a moment. ;-)

    • FYI my fellow American, Mr. Feschuk’s columns are usually filled with wry, tongue-in-cheek humour and I think he scored with this one, BIGLY.
      Mr. Trump’s greatest skills lie as an entertainer/salesman and we should acknowledge that.

  11. Hilarious. Scott’s humor is so good. Maybe, the best. Actually, huge. Huge humor.
    Not like those other guys.

  12. More entertainment, doing what the MSM aspires to. By the way, Scott, did you write for Laughing or Mad Magazine in a previous Life?

    • If you don’t like MSM (as you people put it) why do you continue to read it? Feschuk writes biting satire- hardly “main stream”
      Have Breitbart and Fox started to do political satire? Please let us know….

  13. Great job- Feschuk- h-u-g–e!
    Please continue to write about the new POTUS- we need all the help we can get to get us through the next four years!