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‘They hear me and they love me’: Trump’s Groundhog Day remarks

Inspired by Donald Trump’s less-than-cogent Black History Month statement, Scott Feschuk imagines the president’s Groundhog Day address


 
President Donald Trump holds up a signed Presidential Memorandum in the Oval Office in Washington. The document directs his administration to "develop a comprehensive plan to defeat ISIS." (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

President Donald Trump holds up a signed Presidential Memorandum in the Oval Office in Washington. The document directs his administration to “develop a comprehensive plan to defeat ISIS.” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Based on the level of detail and knowledge he showed in his Feb. 1 remarks on Black History Month, let’s look forward to Donald Trump’s likely remarks on Groundhog Day:

Well, this is Groundhog Day, so these are just a few little notes I want to share with you. On this day, we honour the tremendous history of groundhogs throughout our country. Throughout the world, if you really think about it, right? Because that’s where groundhogs are and where they live. Here but also there. Everywhere, really, except not exactly everywhere but almost.

Mostly in the ground though, on or it, or in the vicinity – which is why we call them that. Groundhogs. Right there in the name.

They’re incredible animals and their incredible example is unique in many ways. So many unique ways that honestly there’s no point in me examining any of them in any detail. We all know. We all know bigly.

You’ve all heard about groundhogs. They are well known and people know about them. We have some good ones. We have the one from that place in Pennsylvania and we have other ones and we have the one from that golf movie with one of the Ghostbusters. There are others. Many others that we all know, and I also know them.

The groundhog from the movie Groundhog Day is an example of a groundhog who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I noticed. Big impact. But all groundhogs – big impact on the seasons and the changing of the seasons. There are several seasons and we all know what they are.

I do very well with groundhogs, by the way, not that you’d know from CNN which is fake news and disgraceful. But I do substantially better than others have done. They hear me talk about underground life—it’s horrible, life is short, you can get killed by a wolf on the way to pick up an acorn. They hear me and they love me.

The groundhog is cherished. I am very proud of the fact that people in America can learn about groundhogs, and many other things. And they can learn about their many, many accomplishments, which we celebrate on this day, which is why it is called Groundhogs Day and is so special.

I’m proud to honour our groundhog heritage and will be honouring it more and more. Like I said before, a groundhog is an animal—much like a fox is also an animal. And Fox News has treated me very nice. Wherever Fox is, thank you.

Omarosa saw a groundhog once.


 

‘They hear me and they love me’: Trump’s Groundhog Day remarks

  1. Feschuk-why don’t you write a humorous article about Trudeau-lots of great material there:
    -most of his first year had been consumed taking selfies.
    -there’s a ton you could do on how poorly he speaks.
    -he now plans to run deficits until 2050. Of course that won’t happen, he’ll be gone in three years.
    -he just broke the major promise that got 40% of Canadians to vote for him-the end of “first past the post”
    -he doesn’t grasp what conflict of interest is. When’s his next party in Rosedale or vacation with Aga
    Go for it Scott-lots of material. But, alas, I guess most of it isn’t funny, it’s just sad.

  2. Great article! It must be incredibly difficult to write satire when the subject is just as likely to seriously say/do what you’re writing about. Odd to potentially get scooped by the subject of what, for normal people, is satire! At least you know you’ll never lack material as long as 45 is around.

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