Let’s read between the lines of Donald Trump’s inaugural address. His words are in bold.
Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans and people of the world, thank you.
Quite an embarrassing start for the Trump presidency: He forgot to mention President Putin.
We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our people.
“My fellow Americans: We must move swiftly to recover from this appalling era of low unemployment, strong markets and falling crime.”
Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power.
Although in 2021, America should probably expect more of an “armed refusal to leave office” scenario.
Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another. But we are transferring power from Washington D.C. and giving it back to you, the people.
Yes, you! You’re in charge! Donald J. Trump, a notoriously power-mad control freak, and his cabinet of white alpha-male billionaires from Goldman Sachs are just itching to act on every whim of the typical Duck Dynasty viewer. Please form an orderly a single-file line to receive the nuclear codes.
For too long, a small group in our nation’s capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost.
Come on, Mr. President: It’s kind of unfair to refer to the Republican congressional delegation as a “small group.”
This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country.
Now he’s just stating facts: “This is your capital. This is your country. This is your microphone. That over there is an umbrella. THIS IS YOUR PEN.”
For too many of our citizens, a [troubling] reality exists. Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities. Rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation. An education system flush with cash but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge.
Not just some knowledge—all knowledge! What’s a shoe? Which one of these weird things is a chair? Who let the dogs out? NOT A SINGLE CHILD KNOWS! Why, some American graduates are so profoundly ignorant that they actually voted for an apricot-hued con artist whose primary policy idea was a red hat. Sad!
And the crime, and the gangs, and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.
It’s interesting: This whole section of the speech is quite reminiscent of Lincoln’s first inaugural address, in which he intoned: “Man, our country is so boned. I mean, like, holy s–t, right?”
The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world.
“Although to be fair, I did use some of it to gold-plate my backup yacht.”
We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams.
Trump hits on a key issue here. Owing to the shifting reality of the modern global economy, all American dreaming has been outsourced to adolescent Indonesians since 2006.
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones. And unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth.
Check out some of the verbs and phrasing in this speech: Eradicate. Ripped. Destroying. Scattered like tombstones. The ravages of other countries. Carnage. Decay. Apparently, Donald Trump is not only the 45th President of the United States—he’s also a villain on the new season of Game of Thrones. BOW DOWN BEFORE TRUMP, PURVEYEOR OF CARNAGE, DESTROYER OF THINGS AND VARIOUS ITEMS, FIRST OF HIS NAME.
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America.
Trump: “ ‘Total allegiance.’ You don’t think that sounds a little Nazi-like?”
Bannon: [Looking up from his copy of Anti-Semite Aficionado magazine] “What?”
The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.
The Art of the Deal says that?
We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreement honestly but always pursue solidarity.
Take it from a close-minded, congenital liar who literally spent years insisting that Barack Obama is African!
When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice.
“At least, that’s what I always used to say to the black people I refused to rent to.”
We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world.
“We will seek it by abandoning treaties, reneging on our pledges, building a giant wall, assessing huge levies on their products and describing their people as rapists. It’s going to go great!”
When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.
In its 240 years, America has only ever been totally united once. It happened on the evening of Aug. 12, 2006, when collectively and as one the whole of the nation simultaneously thought to itself: “No more Hugh Grant movies for me.”
We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement. And most importantly, we will be protected by God.
Little-known historical fact: After failing to protect America on 9/11, God received a formal reprimand that, to this day, remains in His HR file.
Whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky, they build a heart with the same dreams and they are infused with the breath of life by the same Almighty Creator.
Trump’s people made a big thing about how he wrote this speech all on his own, with no help whatsoever. Riiiiiight. Trump “wrote” this speech the same way I “made” these Pillsbury crescent rolls.
So to all Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words—you will never be ignored again.
“Unless you submit an invoice to one of my companies.”
Your voice, your hopes and your dreams will define our destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.
See, it’s not that hard to write the chorus to a Céline Dion song.
We will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again.
“We will make America voluptuous again! BY GUM, WE WILL MAKE AMERICA LAMBADA AGAIN!”
And yes, together, we will make America great again. God bless you. And God bless America.
And He better do it or HR is going to be all over Him at the next performance review.