You can’t handle the Trumpth

What Donald Trump was really trying to say about terrorism, national security, and being proven right—’bigly’

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks Monday, June 13, 2016, in Manchester, N.H. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks Monday, June 13, 2016, in Manchester, N.H. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

In the aftermath of the mass shooting in Orlando, Donald Trump delivered a speech on national security. How did the presumptive Republican nominee respond in this sensitive time? His words are in bold.

“Our nation stands in solidarity with Orlando’s LGBT community.” Trump used part of his speech to portray himself as a friend to gay Americans. Unless they are Muslim or act Muslim or want to get married or seem “Mexicany.”

“We need to respond to this attack as one united people… but the current politically correct response cripples [us].” We need to be united in our response, says the guy being divisive in his response.

“We’re not acting clearly. We’re not talking clearly. We’ve got problems.” Ever the savvy businessman, Trump picked up some of the phrases for this speech at a sale of discarded lyrics from Beyonce’s Lemonade album.

“If we don’t get tough, and if we don’t get smart, we’re not going to have our country anymore. There will be nothing, absolutely nothing left.” Nothing! Not even that Arby’s on 8th Avenue where Trump sends Chris Christie to fetch his lunch! Donald has truly mastered the art of fear-mongering. What’s the next level up from simple monger? Assistant Regional Monger? Executive Vice Monger? Listening to Trump fear-monger is like watching Picasso paint a canvas or Jimmy Fallon laugh at his own jokes. He’s in a league of his own.

“The killer, whose name I will not use, or ever say, was born an Afghan.” (Or “born in Afghan,” as many transcriptions of the speech read.) The truth, which Trump will not use, or ever say, is that the killer was born in America. Alas, the sentence “The terrorist is from New York” doesn’t make white people poop themselves, so…

“We have a dysfunctional immigration system… if I get in there, it’s going to change and it’s going to change quickly. We’re going from totally incompetent to just the opposite, believe me.” This is a recurring theme of the Trump candidacy: instant transformation. Vote for Donald and–poof!–millions will be deported! ISIS will be defeated! America’s teeth will be four shades whiter!

MORE: The one thing the Orlando shooting might change—unfortunately

“We have to prevent large pockets of radicalization from forming here inside America. Not complicated!” Not complicated! It’s a piece of cake–bordering on easy peasy! A few strategically gifted bottles of Trump wine will surely solve one of the most complex challenges ever to confront American leaders.

“[Hillary Clinton] wants to take away Americans’ guns and then admit the very people who want to slaughter us.” In retrospect, it was unwise of Clinton to unveil her “Fanatical Murderers First!” approach to immigration.

“I will be meeting with the NRA to discuss how to ensure Americans have the means to protect themselves.” In Orlando, shooting victims are still fighting for their lives. Families are grieving. Naturally, Trump’s priority is to sit down with Big Gun. Had he been president during the Flint water crisis, he’d have held a joint press conference with a corroded pipe.

“When it comes to radical Islamic terrorism, ignorance is not bliss. It’s deadly. Totally deadly.” Take it from the man so orange that simply shaking his hand exceeds the recommended daily allowance of vitamin C: All those imaginary politicians completely ignoring the threat of terrorism are out of their minds!

“Under the Clinton plan, you’d be admitting hundreds of thousands of refugees from the Middle East with no system to prevent the radicalization of their children—not only their children, by the way, they’re trying to take over our children and convince them how wonderful ISIS is.” Do you think they really use the word “wonderful?” That seems a little off-brand for ISIS. Hey, Liam–you should join our ruthless faction of rage-fuelled zealots. The experience is exquisite! According to Trump, Hillary Clinton has a secret plan to take away Americans’ guns, overturn the Second Amendment and spend “hundreds of billions of dollars” to welcome Muslim terrorists into the United States. Pretty convincing argument, but why stop there? Why not also accuse her of having a third arm she uses to secretly high five with the corpse of Osama bin Laden?

“Why would we admit people who support hatred?” Good point: America already has enough Republican politicians.

“Ask yourself: Who is really the friend of women and the LGBT community? Donald Trump, with actions. Or Hillary Clinton, with her words. I will tell you who the better friend is, and some day I believe that will be proven out, bigly.” Me am bigly smart! Me want get president house!

“I pledge to protect and defend all Americans who live inside our borders.” Except for the 32 Americans every single day who are killed by guns. That one’s out of his hands.

“America will be a tolerant and open society.” The key is closing our doors to all the people he won’t tolerate.

“I want to fix our schools. I want to fix our bridges. And our jobs market, we’re going to have it rocking again.” This section appears out of nowhere in the speech. I like to imagine Trump summoning his speechwriter to say, “Look, this terrorism crap is solid gold–but we need to give people a few of the greatest hits.”

“We have to form a partnership with our Muslim communities.” Hi Muslims! I’ve spent my campaign depicting you as inhuman monsters, vowing to ban your kind from our country and endangering your safety by inciting white Americans to be fearful and suspicious of you. Want to hang out?

“I refuse to be politically correct.” In the interest of consistency, he also refuses to be factually correct.

“The Muslims know what’s going on. They know that [the Orlando shooter] was bad. They knew the people in [the San Bernadino mass killing] were bad. But you know what? They didn’t turn ’em in.” There is no evidence to support any of this. But facts are to Trump what plot is to Terrence Malick. Stephen Colbert coined the term “truthiness” to describe political statements that “feel” true. But Trump transcends truthiness. His speeches are rife with outright lies and absurd fictions. In his world, there is no truth. There is only the Trumpth.

“We’re being laughed at all over the world.” That’s absolutely true–but not for the reason you think, Donald.


You can’t handle the Trumpth

    • OK one you obviously have no idea what satire or wit is. Two, you’re seriously defending Trump? The guy has no consistent detailed policy about anything and the policy ideas he has are so ludicrous that it’s impossible to take him seriously. And three, his statements are so absurd is all you have to do is quote him to show how ridiculous he is.

    • And you haven’t a clue that Scott Feschuk is Maclean’s regular satirist. Who’s the 10th Grader? Duh.

    • The article you linked to has nothing to do with this one.

  1. Enjoyed the article, it hit the nail on the head. As an old fogey I remember a guy in Germany in the 1930’s who probably is the one the yo-yo is quoting. His hatreds are just as vicious, just different targets, different religions or nationalities, but the message is identical. Scary !

  2. What an absolute disgrace of an article. You don’t like Trump so you make childish remarks about his comments. I hope you don’t consider this journalism. It’s a petty article written by someone who couldn’t offer anything useful to a reader. Go back to school and learn how to write articles. This is embarrassing.

    Not funny, not smart, not well written. How do you even publish something like this?

    Equating republicans to those who hate America…. seriously pathetic.

    • Trump is childish.. and bigoted and a buffoon. If he becomes President . God help us. His entire campaign thus far is just ridicule the other person. N what little policies he does have, which is hard to tell cause he keeps changing his mind are scary and absurd, n reek of fear mongering.. as messr Feschuk points out by just quoting him.

    • Feschuk is a satirist. You know – one of those guys who pokes holes in the idiocy that surrounds us.

      I’m guessing you thought John Stewart’s version of the Daily Show was a news journal, too..

    • Yes, it is completely disgraceful to take Trump’s actual words, and point out how ridiculous he is.


  3. Wow, the author makes Trump feel like a guy with a PhD and Nobel prize.
    Trump aims for people without HS diploma – author above seems to aim at people at 6th grade level.

    The evidence that is coming out right now points to the mass murderer being gay (visiting gay bar for 3 years regularly). I speculate he was rejected & decided to have his “revenge”. ISIS took the credit – why wouldn’t they?

  4. Criticizing Scott Feschuk for not writing a serious, balanced discourse on the topic at hand is like criticizing AC/DC for not playing classical music. Both have their places, but they are not, and are not expected to be, interchangeable.

  5. Anyone who gives credence to an artificially-coloured carnival barker needs to seriously address his gullibility.

  6. To all you Einsteins criticizing the article because hey, Drumpf is going to Make Murka Great Again: Scott Feschuk is Maclean’s regular SATIRIST. Look it up.

  7. The alternative to Trump is much worse. Going all the way back to Whitewater and the Rose Law Firm, Hillary has been corrupt for years. Having people stand down in Benghazi was utterly ruthless, and then she lied about it. Indeed, she lies about everything, including the Emails. The Clinton Foundation needs a thorough auditing. Besides that, do you really want Tomcat Bill back in the White House. Enough with these dynasties – Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. A pox on all their houses.

    • We should be thankful (those of us who are Canadian that we don’t live in Murka and have to decide between two questionable candidates. But If I had to make a choice between a woman finally crashing through the glass ceiling and the AT (A**H***) candidate, I think I would be there to put bandaids on the bleeding lady coming through the Ceiling.

      What the hell is wrong with the US that they have come to such a state?
      I just looked at Oliver Stone’s film JFK again and I think I know the answer.

  8. TRUMP CALLED IT! HE CALLED IT! Bernie is a joke, Clinton is a criminal, and Trump, while by no means perfect, is the least of the three evils. I stand behind Trump as the next president of the United States.

  9. sat·ire
    the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
    synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature

    Now, as to who exactly is stupid, and/or who is playing on or pandering to others’ stupity… I’ll leave that for the historians (Scott Feschuk being one).

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