Scott Feschuk

Rock these Christmas song reboots around the tree

It’s time to makeover the Christmas songs you’ve heard a million times


Guess who’s coming to town—in two months? To help kill time, let’s sing a more realistic ode to Rudolph’s mundane existence.

If we’re going to insist on spending two long months focused on Christmas, we’ll need to revise some of our most popular carols to better reflect the length of the season.

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh how dumb it was to rent

This one-horse open sleigh!


Trudging through the mud

On a mild November day

O’er the field so slow

Making no headway


There’s still leaves on some trees

Six weeks ’til the yuletide

Hey I can still see a ghost

From the haunted wagon ride


O, jingle bells, jingle bells,

Our trip was premature

And now our one-horse open sleigh

Is stuck deep in manure!

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

How lovely are thy branches

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

Alas, what are the chances


You’ll still be green

On Christmas Eve?

Our early purchase was naive

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

I blame my wife—she’s crazy


O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

My wife just heard me blame her

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

It enraged and inflamed her


And as I sleep

Here on the couch

Your needles fall and branches slouch

O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree

I’ll be here ’til the new year

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the father to his weary wife:

“Do you see what I see?

Carried by our son, tired wife:

Do you see what I see?

His toy demands—a four-page Christmas list!

Yet it’s only November the fifth

Let me pour us a whisky forthwith!”


Said the mother to her frowning spouse:

“Do you hear what I hear?

Coming from the mouth of our son

Do you hear what I hear?

‘I want to go and sit on Santa’s knee

Where the line winds and wends endlessly

For my first visit of twenty-three!’ ”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very boring day

And if you think to doubt it

He spent it staring at some hay


All of the other reindeer

Also stood around some hay

Because the eve of Christmas

Was more than 50 days away


Then one breezy autumn night

They thought they heard a fray

But it was probably just the wind

So they turned back to the hay!


Then all the reindeer called him

And they shouted out to say:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer:

Are you also noticing this hay?”

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

If you’re masochistic

Or capitalistic!

You’ll otherwise sneer:

“Such a—wink—wonderful time of the year.”


“It’s the hap-happiest season of all”

You’ll say it sarcastic

Air quote: “so fantastic!”

And eye rolls galore

It’s the length-lengthiest season of all!


There’ll be parties for eight weeks

Weight gain on your ass cheeks

Your secrets are drunkenly blabbed

Your neighbour will suspect

That you are the culprit

When his inflated Santa gets stabbed

It’s the most wonderful time, wink/eye roll!

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