Run, dammit!!!!

Now that the steroids situation is under control (it is, right?) Major League Baseball has turned its attention to the game’s other great flaw: too much waiting, not enough playing. You may not have noticed it yet (probably because you fell asleep during the fourth pitching change of the inning) but Commissioner Bud Selig has ordered his umpires to crack down on the slowpokes. Less strolling around the mound. Less fiddling with the uniforms. Even the managers have been put on notice: you must jog—not walk—when you head to the hill for one of those inspirational speeches.

It’s about time. The world already moves way too so slowly, with those BlackBerries and all. The last thing we want is to force people to grab a beer (or five) and bask in the ballpark sun. Or worse, lie on the couch for an extra seven minutes. There is work to be done. Grass to be cut.

Besides, how many times have you taken your kids to a baseball game, only to have them begging to leave by the third inning? Mr. Selig feels your pain. Yes, he knows all the new parks have ferris wheels and mascots and seven flavours of cotton candy. But he also knows that if your youngsters are to become the next generation of paying customers, they can’t be bored! Because kids are never bored. They only complain at baseball games. Nowhere else.

Congratulations Bud. You are a true visionary. I’m not sure why, but I have the sudden urge to stand up and not clap…

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