Upon my arrival at the gates of hell... - Macleans.ca

Upon my arrival at the gates of hell…

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Red Devil: Ah, Mr. Potter, so good to see you at last.

Andrew Potter: Hey, whoa. Hell? What did I do to end up here?

RD: Let’s see [leafs through file]… no criminal record, honoured thy father and mother… not much coveting of neighbours wives… hmm. Very odd.

AP: There has to be a mistake.

RD: Posssibly… oh wait, here we go. No, no mistake. It seems you went to see Transformers 2.

AP: Yeah, sure. It sucked.

RD: Yes, but you apparently went on purpose. At a theatre where Up! was showing at the same time. And on a night when you had any number of better things to do with your time.

AP: Well, the first Transformers wasn’t too bad.

RD: Yes, and you saw it twice.

AP: Ok, but I was drunk the first time.

RD: I’m sorry, that’s no real excuse. You see, the problem isn’t that you saw this or that movie. It’s that you seem to like the films of Michael Bay.

AP: God no. He’s a joke.

RD: Yet you saw Pearl Harbour.

AP: On an airplane!

RD: And The Island…

AP: Yeah, that was a mistake.

RD: … and The Rock, and Armageddon, and both Bad Boys films. It seems, Mr. Potter, that you have seen every movie Michael Bay has made.

AP: …

RD: How many times have you seen The Godfather? Don’t answer, we already know that it is zero. Did you  know it’s masterpiece? Obviously not.  In fact you’ve seen more Michael Bay movies than you have films by Alfred Hitchcock, Martin Scorcese, Woody Allen — I could go on. But I won’t, since you’re due at the screening room in ten minutes.

AP: The screening room?

RD: Yes of course, we may be in Hell, but we’re not complete barbarians. You’ve been assigned to spend eternity in your own private theatre.

AP: Great! What’s showing?

RD: [Leading the way] Do I really need to tell you?

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