If the new Liberal government wants to permanently win the hearts of Canadian voters and rule in perpetuity, this should be its first piece of legislation:
An Act to Stop the Holiday Season from Expanding Even Further Because, Come on, Enough Already, Right?
i. Whereas the sight of Christmas-themed decor and the sound of holiday music as early as October make many Canadians yearn for death by tinsel strangulation . . .
ii. Whereas the ever-growing commercialization of Christmas detracts from its true meaning as a solemn celebration of the birth of culturally accepted gluttony . . .
iii. Whereas on Oct. 15, 2015, Chapters.ca sent out a promotional email that featured the headline, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .”—and yet, somehow, the company’s executives were not detained at a black site and waterboarded with eggnog.
iv. And whereas the Toronto Santa Claus Parade is scheduled to take place on Nov. 15, which is stupid . . .
Now, therefore, Her Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate and House of Commons of Canada, enacts as follows:
1. Short title
i. This Act may be cited as the FFS, It’s Not Even December Yet! Act.
i. Across Canada and without exception, the Holiday Season shall be designated as lawfully being comprised of all days between, and including, Dec. 6 and Dec. 28; henceforth, “the Season.”
ii. Dec. 6, the inaugural day of the Season, shall be established as a statutory holiday—a day for Canadians to string up colourful lights, cut down a Christmas tree and plan to buy the thoughtful presents that friends and family will later re-gift to a yoga teacher or dog walker.
3. Regulations and Enforcements
i. Any individual, business or agency engaging in the promotion of holiday cheer outside of the Season shall be subjected to financial penalty and/or one (1) groin punch.
ii. “Black Friday” shall henceforth be once again known in Canada as “Friday.”
iii. Prior to Dec. 6, Canadian children may be “tucked into” or “hunkered down in” their beds; under no circumstances are they permitted to be “nestled all snug.”
iv. Any TV channel that airs a holiday-themed special before Dec. 6 shall have its broadcast licence burned on the fireplace channel.
v. Any coffee shop selling gingerbread-flavoured beverages outside of the Season shall be subject to one (1) drone strike.
vi. To protect the fragile nature of Canadian sexiness during the colder months, a National Registry of Christmas Sweaters shall be established. Government reserves the right to seize and destroy any sweaters that pose a risk to public attractiveness.
vii. A proprietor or manager who plays holiday music in his or her retail establishment before the Season shall be sentenced to five lashes with a stocking full of fruitcakes.
viii. Notwithstanding the above regulation, Christmas- and holiday-themed record albums may be released for sale in advance of Dec. 6—but ONLY if the artist agrees to use an honest title, along the lines of I Recorded This in Three Hours Last August Because I Needed Heroin Money.
ix. To promote harmony, the Government shall operate a new hotline for the reporting of Barbaric Holiday Practices, such as the serving of overcooked ham and the playing of that awful Paul McCartney Christmas song with the synthesizers.
x. Any grown-up who is heard to say to another adult: “So, what do you hope to get from Santa this year?” shall be subject to imprisonment for a term of not less than 15 years. (This shall henceforth be known as the Tough But Fair clause.)
xi. The installation on front lawns of Large Novelty Inflatable Christmas Characters is strictly prohibited outside of the Season. To aid in enforcement of this regulation, the Government shall make available to Canadians a tax credit of $500 toward the purchase of a bow and arrow.
xii. Anyone who mentions Christmas after Dec. 28 shall be forced to endure not fewer than 12 whiffs of a mall Santa’s boot.