My fellow Americans:
Do not be afraid. Your president, who is me, is aware of the so-called “eclipse” and I am taking action to protect Americans and keep everyone safe in this dark moment. Meaning literally dark and also the other kind of dark – the ascared kind.
As your president, I want to know: What caused this alleged eclipse?
Some say the moon—but I don’t think the moon. Reason being: The moon only comes out at night.
I’ve known this for a long time. I know a lot about the moon. I’ve read many books on it. And I’ll tell you: That one book is not called Good Morning, Moon. It’s called Goodnight, Moon. Because: darkness. Nocturnal, okay?
The scientists are all, “Moon this and moon that.” And I’m like, “At 2:30 in the afternoon? I don’t know what you’re smoking but maybe pawn your bong and go buy a wristwatch. It’s the daytime, geniuses!”
Also – and I don’t want to state the obvious, but I’ll state the obvious – the moon is pretty much usually almost always shaped like a crescent. We’ve all seen it. Very famous for being a crescent. Couldn’t sit on it if it wasn’t a crescent, right? That’s how you get your feet to dangle. Ask Buzz Aldrin.
But how is a crescent going to “eclipse” a round circle? Think about it. Can’t happen. Wrong shape.
So, not the moon. The moon didn’t cause this.
But you wouldn’t know that from watching the mainstream media and the fake news. Moon, moon, moon. Disgusting lies. Horrible people.
They told me not to look, by the way, but I looked. I looked long and hard. Stared right at it. In fact, it’s weird – I can still actually see it, even though I looked hours ago. Like it’s burned right onto my eyeball. Which is great, because now I don’t have to try to remember what it looked like.
So what caused the so-called “eclipse?” When I became president, I hired only the best people and whichever ones are left have put together an excellent list of terrific theories:
Clouds. Sometimes clouds can block out the sun. Most people don’t know this but clouds can get very dark and thick. The very thickest ones, you can sit on. Like, if you’re an angel.
So maybe we’ve got some angry angels sending us a warning. I am getting our massive nuclear arsenal locked and loaded just in case. Like Reagan said, America can’t be too careful when it comes to cloud angels. Pretty sure he said that, and if he didn’t say it, he should have and probably meant to.
A villain like in a James Bond movie. I’ve seen them all, by the way. Watched a whole 007 marathon after I won the election. Easier than reading all those briefing binders.
I’d say in, like, a third of the Bond movies there’s a guy who’s trying to blot out the sun or blow up the sun or launch the moon into the sun. It never works, by the way, because Bond wins in the end or everyone gets distracted by Halle Berry coming out of the water.
Bottom line: I’ll put in a call to Mr. Bond. Problem solved.
A big spaceship like in Independence Day. I also saw that movie.
The North Korea Guy. King Kong Un. He seems like the kind of weirdo who’d do this. I don’t know how he’d do it, but I’m not a guy who worries about the “how.” I’m a guy who worries about the “who.” Especially if the “who” is “me,” which it almost always is.
Hillary’s emails. Sean Hannity knows what I’m talking about.
Yogurt. Alex Jones knows what I’m talking about.
Taxes. Maybe the destruction of our planet is imminent. Definitely could be, so far as you know. Now is therefore the perfect time for Republicans and Democrats to come together to pass my bill eliminating taxes on the wealthy so we can all build personal space arks.