President Trump’s 1st 100 days in 5 overconfident predictions

1. He will need to retake the oath of office. Even when delivering a speech with a Teleprompter, he can’t help himself: Trump’s gotta Trump. Is there any chance the new President doesn’t ad lib on Inauguration Day? I do solemnly swear bigly, and better than any President person has sweared before…

2. He will announce that his first foreign trip as president will be to… Israel. Trump’s first (only) priority will be going to a place where he can reliably expect to be cheered at a large rally. That’s Israel. Plus, Canada is boring and cold and its leader is prettier than him.

3. He will screw things up with China first. Probably by formally declaring them currency manipulators. The Chinese will respond by dumping American securities, which will be bought up cheaply by… Russia? Probably Russia. Trump will portray this as “a good thing.” (It’s going to take longer than 100 days, but eventually Trump is going to realize that Putin has been playing him. The ensuing tweetstorm will burn with the heat of 10,000 teenage breakups.)

4. He will send the deficit skyrocketing. By April, Republicans will be well along in approving big spending on infrastructure and a huge tax cut for the rich. Trump won’t even try to pay for it. Maybe he can just sneak the cost onto Mexico’s wall invoice?

5. He will begin issuing presidential pardons to friends and business associates. It’s a safe bet that at least 30 per cent of Trump’s time as president will be spent thinking about pardons—and being magnanimous with those who demonstrate sufficient fealty. I’m telling you: He’s going to hand these things out like a grandma hands out cheek pinches. Did you run afoul of the SEC? Do you have a kid who landed a DUI or maybe “accidentally” shot a poor person? No problemo, friend! I also think there’s a very good chance that President Trump pardons O.J. Simpson. Seriously. This decision alone will keep Twitter in business for another year. Bottom line? Scott Baio, there has never been a better time to engage in insider trading.

Two bonus predictions:

1. By the end of 100 days, his approval rating will be below 40 per cent. Obama’s was 65 per cent. W.’s was 62 per cent. Trump will blame the media, his staff, the media again, China, God and math.

2. Most of his time in the Situation Room will be spent quietly worrying that the generals are having him on by making up fake country names. Andorra? Wasn’t that the blown-up planet in Star Wars?