Let’s read between the lines of Donald Trump’s first news conference in six months. His words are in bold.
I look very much forward to the inauguration. It’s going to be a beautiful event. We have great talent, tremendous talent.
We booked a Springsteen cover band, guys! Also, as I speak, Scott Baio is learning to juggle.
We’re going to have a very, very elegant day. The 20th is going to be something that will be very, very special, very beautiful.
The gold limo is almost ready! And Melania has already been inside the cake for three days!
I will be the greatest jobs producer that God ever created.
(God’s greatest job producers, ranked:
- Noah. Upside: Employed every single living person on the planet. Downside: Most careers were in feces removal.
- Moses. Little-known factoid: Red Sea actually parted by Mexican day labourers.
- Bill Clinton. Created 21.5 million jobs during his presidency. Half of them were reporters hired to cover his sex life.)
We had much hacking going on. And one of the things we’re gonna do, we have some of the greatest computer minds anywhere in the world that we’ve assembled.
(Like the Super Friends?)
We’re gonna put those six top minds together and we’re going to form a defence.
(Like the Super Friends!)
I was in Russia years ago with the Miss Universe contest.
You know, the kind of stuff that future presidents typically do. Who can forget Herbert Hoover’s stint as a judge for the Miss Shapeliest Ankles Pageant of 1921? Some of the more provocative ladies wore as few as three petticoats!
Russia can help us fight ISIS, which, by the way, is, number one, tricky.
- Wasn’t “knocking the hell out of ISIS” going to be a breeze because Trump knows so much more about war and stuff than America’s dumb generals? Could have sworn he said that once or several hundred times.
- Given Trump’s pattern of speech, we are well on our way to a worldwide shortage of commas. We’re going to have to ration. Your days are numbered, Oxford.)
If Putin likes Donald Trump, guess what, folks? That’s called an asset, not a liability.
(In a sense, he’s right: There is a very high probability that Russian intelligence considers Donald Trump an “asset.”)
Do you honestly believe that Hillary would be tougher on Putin than me? Does anybody really believe that?
(Anybody’s cousin, Everybody, sure does.)
MORE: Russia’s American coup
Does anyone really believe that story [that Trump paid prostitutes to urinate on his Moscow hotel bed]? I’m also very much of a germaphobe, by the way, believe me.
(It’s hard to know where to rank this in the realm of explanations you never thought you’d hear from a U.S. president. It’s definitely weirder than when he obsessed over the size of his hands. But does it rise to the level of publicly assuring the men, women and children of America that the size of his penis is A-OK? I suppose this is why people spend 10 years in university to become presidential historians. Godspeed, scholars!)
So I tweeted out that I have no dealings with Russia. I have no deals that could happen in Russia, because we’ve stayed away. And I have no loans with Russia. I certified that.
(Oh, it’s been “certified!” We had no idea it had been certified. We’ll stop asking. Although—and we hate to be a bother—was it also, by chance, double-stamped no-erasies? Because that’s the gold standard.)
My two sons, Don and Eric, are going to be running the company. They’re not going to discuss it with me.
It’s been certified!
As a real estate developer, I have very, very little debt.
(Theory: The magnitude of a Trump falsehood can be measured by the number of “verys” placed in front of it. One “very” is a little fib. Two is a flat-out lie. Three is a whopper.)
Over the weekend, I was offered $2 billion to do a deal in Dubai with a very, very, very amazing man, a great, great developer from the Middle East.
(Triple very! This developer dude must be a real piece of work.)
And I was offered $2 billion to do a deal in Dubai—a number of deals, and I turned it down.
My fellow Americans: In a gesture of appreciation for the sacred role you’ve entrusted to me, I will henceforth accept only one out of every two thinly veiled bribes. You’re welcome.
(Can we agree on one thing? Can we agree that when Trump gets these calls from people looking to do deals, there is literally no part of his brain that connects the offer to his role as president? He simply thinks he’s killing it business-wise. Whoa, it’s a shame I have to start being president soon because I am suddenly tearing it up out there with all these potential deals!)
These papers are just some of the many documents that I’ve signed turning over complete and total control [of Trump businesses] to my sons.
(Turns out the stacks of folders placed alongside Trump’s podium were literally filled with blank paper. Hooray for metaphors!)
I think we have one of the great cabinets ever put together. And we’ve been hearing that from so many people. People are so happy.
It’s true. Reviews have been very positive from organizations across the board—all the way from the American Association of White Male Billionaires to the White Male Billionaire Association of America.
I want to bring the greatest people into government, because we’re way behind.
(To recap: Trump hired Rick Perry, the man who forgot why he was running for president while he was running for president. He also hired Ben Carson, shortly after Carson publicly declared that he was manifestly unfit to serve in cabinet. Your move, world.)
It’ll be repeal and replace [on health care]. It will be essentially simultaneously. It will be various segments, you understand, but will most likely be on the same day or the same week, but probably the same day, could be the same hour.
(I think Trump just started a Dr. Seuss book:
Same day! Same hour!
Same day! Same week!
Your pre-existing condition
Means your prospects are bleak!
You may lose your health care Tuesday morn
Or closer to next Friday’s dawn
Or Wednesday in the afternoon
Your bankruptcy is coming soon!
Your coverage may abruptly lapse
Don’t let your cheery view elapse!
Your dad can fix your broken bone
With two sticks and some silicone!)
We’re going to start building [the wall on the Mexican border]. Mexico in some form will reimburse us for the cost of the wall. That will happen, whether it’s a tax or whether it’s a payment—probably less likely that it’s a payment. But it will happen.
(Hang on. If it’s a levy on Mexican-made products entering the U.S., then that tax is going to be factored into the retail price of the goods, right? Which means the wall will actually be paid for by the people who ultimately buy those goods. Which means Trump’s wall—the multi-billion-dollar wall that “Mexico is going to pay for”—is actually going to be paid for by… Americans. If it weren’t for the looming possibility of global depression and/or nuclear Armageddon, the Trump presidency would be the funniest four years in human history.)
Mexico has been so nice, so nice. I respect the government of Mexico. I respect the people of Mexico. I love the people of Mexico.
It will be with the heaviest of hearts that I order border guards to shoot them on sight.
I have many people from Mexico working for me. They’re phenomenal people.
They’re so great that sometimes I even pay them.
Our first day [in office], you’ll all be invited to the signings. We’ll be doing some pretty good signings on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and Friday.
Nailed the days of the week. Next up: those pesky state capitals.
You know, I’ve been hearing more and more about a thing called fake news and they’re talking about people that go and say all sorts of things.
Crazed, reckless, completely ludicrous things like, “Barack Obama was born in Africa” and “I am qualified to be president.”
These papers are all just a piece of the many, many companies that are being put into trust to be run by my two sons. I hope at the end of eight years, I’ll come back and say, oh, you did a good job. Otherwise, if they do a bad job, I’ll say, “You’re fired.”
(Trump ends his press conference with his signature catchphrase from The Apprentice. His new reality show begins Jan. 20. We’re all in it.)