Real Housewives of Vancouver

Episode 5: There's something (sad) about Mary

There’s something about Mary Zilba and it’s really, really unfortunate.

This week, the Housewives gang up on the soft-spoken pop star even more as it becomes crystal clear that Jody is winning the war between the two of them.

First we’re taken back to Q4 Ristorante where Amanda’s birthday is just getting heated.

Ronnie and Jody attempt to rehash drama from earlier in the night, but Mary, forever trying to be the bigger person says she “will not go there.”

Jody snidely replies, “You’re talking with your mouth full and that really bugs me.”

Mary then makes up a series of ridiculous excuses to leave early starting with an odd phone call from her friend, Mashiah, who supposedly says that her son got run over by a car. Mary is about to rush off “to the hospital” when Ioulia, who also knows Mashiah, calls her and asks what’s going on. Mashiah responds that there is no emergency — her son’s foot was merely swollen and looked kind of like it had been run over by a car. Easy mistake, right?

It’s back to the drawing board for Mary who now says her teenage boys are having a few people over — that number goes from 10 to 20 in a five-minute span. She takes off under a cloud of suspicion from the other women, who don’t waste time accusing of her being a liar the second she’s out the door.

“She doesn’t tell the truth and I find it really offensive. I find it disturbing,” says Jody.

It doesn’t help that when Ronnie gets up to use the washroom, she spots Mary drinking with a couple of friends right next door.

Robin and Ioulia aren’t quite ready to jump on the hatewagon yet so Robin visits Mary, hoping she’ll admit to telling a little white lie to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

Robin’s pleas fall on deaf ears and blank expressions, as Mary insists that she didn’t make up any of the crazy stories that she clearly made up.

“It’s like squeezing blood out of a turnip,” says an exasperated Robin.

Next, we’re taken to Robin’s rehearsal with teen sensation Cole Armour, with whom she will be singing The Star Spangled Banner at the upcoming grand prix equestrian event.

She bosses Cole around some but he doesn’t seem bothered, perhaps because he’s already been on Ellen — a show that people actually watch.

Sick of all the drama, Ioulia decides to host an art party. She invites everyone to her apartment and posts a sign on her door that reads, “No fighting beyond this point. Beware of two pussies!” in reference to her cats. Lol (not). Mary doesn’t attend the party because she’s busy shooting a music video at a barn in Langley. Dressed all in hot pink, she’s how I’d picture Little Bo Peep in an edition of Where Are They Now?  There’s genuine sentiment behind the song Hero, which is dedicated to Mary’s son Chase who has tuberous sclerosis — a genetic disorder that causes non-malignant tumors to grow throughout the body.

Back at Ioulia’s place, a nude male model wearing a strategically placed sock surprises the ladies. They are all given canvasses to paint him but admitted sex-addict Amanda seems to have a hard time concentrating.

“I haven’t seen another naked man in a long time and I’m kind of uncomfortable,” she says, with an expression that looks anything but uncomfortable.

Ronnie doesn’t seem phased, however, and maintains the integrity of the exercise.

“It’s art and I’m going to draw the man with the sock on the cock the best I know how.”

At the end of the night, Amanda comments on how it’s “so nice to hang out and just be girls.” Um, have I missed something? Is that not the entire premise of the show?

Things wrap up at the grand prix event, mercifully, because I’m pretty sure no one but Robin cares about this storyline.

Mary belts out O Canada  without a hitch and Robin and Cole do just fine singing the U.S. anthem. Robin, satisfied, gives herself a 9.5. and the rest of the ladies inflate her ego for the rest of the night. Mary, meanwhile, is salty that no one compliments her on a job well done.

Jody, never wanting to miss an opportunity to stir the pot, then invites all of the girls on a trip to Toronto, where she has been invited to guest judge Top Chef Canada. All except Mary, that is, who looks stung when she founds out about the trip, saying, “I feel like the little girl on the school bus that nobody wants to play with.”

Yep, pretty much. But judging from next week’s previews, it looks like she goes anyway, giving Jody yet another opportunity to chew her out…