Winter: Mother Nature Inc. wants feedback for a better polar vortex

Brrr-icane or cata-snow-phe?

Take a minute; tell us about your experience so we may crush you better next winter

Photo illustration by Lauren Cattermole

Thank you for participating in the Canadian winter of 2013-14. At Mother Nature Inc., we care about your opinion. Please take a moment to complete this brief survey. Your feedback will help ensure we create an even gloomier winter experience in the years ahead!

1. Overall, which one word most accurately describes your condition as the winter of 2013-14 concludes? (Check one.)

__ Demoralized

__ Depressed

__ Napping

__ Is “constantlydrunk” one word?

2. How long ago does Christmas now seem?

__ Two Christmases ago.

__ Dammit, I still have to take down the lights.

3. Let’s get a better sense of winter’s effect on your mood. Here’s a scenario: You enter a Starbucks and order a tall bold coffee. The barista informs you they’re brewing a fresh pot, which will be ready in 90 seconds or so. How do you respond? (Check one.)

__ “OK, thanks.”

__ “I’ll have an espresso instead.”


4. Of the activities listed below, which did you spend the most time doing during the winter of 2013-14? (Check one.)

__ Skating

__ Skiing

__ Staring blankly into the middle distance, overcome by melancholy

__ Fetal-position motionlessness

__ Snowshoeing

5. How would you describe the current state of your skin? (Check one.)

__ Pale

__ Paler

__ Bedsore-y

__ There’s really no way of knowing until I remove these footy pajamas, and that ain’t happening anytime soon.

6. Which of these classic Canadian moments put the biggest dent in your will to live this year? (Check one.)

__ Thin layer of snow covering treacherous ice patch

__ Thin layer of ice covering deep puddle of slush

__ Conclusion of shovelling, immediately followed by plow depositing wall of snow at driveway’s end

__ Dirt from side of car invariably transferred to parka

__ Cloud of snow inexplicably sucked inside car as door opens

__ Don Cherry

__ Neighbours who go south for the winter and email photos from the golf course, which isn’t very nice but probably doesn’t justify breaking one of their windows to allow that family of raccoons inside

7. Across much of Canada, the elements of winter can be delivered in a variety of combinations and intensities. Which was your least favourite combo from the 2013-14 season? (Check one.)

__ Snow, followed by freezing rain, followed by sleet

__ Sleet, followed by snow, followed by ice pellets

__ Snow, followed by snow, followed by snow

8. Some people claim to love winter and refuse to stop talking about how they embrace the season and hate for it to end. Which object would you prefer to use to torture these people? (Check one.)

__ Ice scraper

__ Ice pick

__ Icicle

__ Vanilla Ice

9. At Mother Nature Inc., we’re always on the lookout for new, overdramatic terms to describe our winter weather. For instance, “polar vortex” really caught on this year. Here are some expressions we’re testing for next season. Which ones do you like? (Check all that apply.)

__ Arctic Suplex

__ Catas-snow-phe

__ Brrr-icane

__ Flakin’ 2: Icelectic Boog-igloo

On behalf of the Mother Nature Inc.—a wholly owned subsidiary of Google—we’d like to thank you for completing this survey. Your responses will be tabulated and analyzed to ensure that your next winter experience is even more soul-crushing. See you in six months!

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