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Excerpts from Jim Flaherty’s budget speech (with Super-Expert Analysis)

SCOTT FESCHUK reads between the lines of the budget

Flaherty: As I rise in this House today, our nation is at a crossroads. Some would urge us to turn at this crossroads. Experience tells us this would eventually lead us backward.

Super-Expert Analysis: Wait… what? If you turned left at a crossroads, how would you wind up going backward? You’d have turned left, not around. (Who wrote this speech? My Dad? My Dad has a terrible sense of direction. You’re supposed to be retired, Dad. Why are you confusing Jim Flaherty?)

•••

Flaherty: We can see our destination on the horizon. It is a high point, not only in our nation’s history of increasing prosperity, but also a high point to which the world will look for inspiration.

Super-Expert Analysis: Our destination is Yao Ming?

•••

Flaherty: [Our destiny] is a Canada in which our children and grandchildren will surpass us.

Super-Expert Analysis: Although not if we’re sharp enough to trip those tiny bastards and sprint off ahead.

•••

Flaherty: A year before the crisis, we saw the risk of a slowdown.

Super-Expert Analysis: Weeks after the crisis hit, we continued to play down its potential impact. Indeed, even after the recession had begun, we were still insisting that there would be no recession — that there could be no recession. Are we incompetent? Are we liars? It’s all part of the mystery.

•••

Flaherty: Our government [has] managed the nation’s finances responsibly.

Super-Expert Analysis: What Flaherty means is that his government pissed away a massive surplus and now has a $56-billion deficit, for which it is “responsible.”

•••

Flaherty: Like virtually all other countries, we have needed to run a substantial deficit to [endure the crisis]. Unlike other countries, we are in a position to ensure our deficit will be temporary.

Super-Expert Analysis: Suck it, Spain.

•••

Flaherty: [It is possible] to meet our current needs without jeopardizing long-term growth. The proof is in our performance.

Super-Expert Analysis: That’s what she said.

•••

Flaherty: Canadians understand the need for certainty, stability and leadership.

Super-Expert Analysis: Yes, after four years Canadians certainly understand the need for leadership.

•••

Flaherty: Our government is focused on jobs and growth for one simple reason: Canadians are focused on jobs and growth.

Super-Expert Analysis: Wait, does that mean if we all focus on having a big party with steel drums and hobo clowns, Flaherty will make that happen? Everybody concentrate!

•••

Flaherty: My job, our government’s job, is to respond to [Canadians’] worries with help and hope. That is what drives us every day.

Super-Expert Analysis: That, and our chauffeurs.

•••

Flaherty: We will establish a commission to reduce red tape… [and we will close] unfair tax loopholes. These loopholes allow a few businesses and individuals to take advantage of hard-working Canadians who pay their fair share.

Super-Expert Analysis: Apparently, the idiots who’ve been running this country since 2006 have shamefully allowed these injustices to fester.

•••

Flaherty: In this Budget, our government is keeping another promise.

Super-Expert Analysis: Please say jetpacks, please say jetpacks…

•••

Flaherty: Some say we should not follow through on our [stimulus] commitment… Some argue that we should cancel these tax reductions [for businesses]… Some are proposing big, expensive new government programs.

Super-Expert Analysis: I don’t know who this mysterious “some” guy is, but he is apparently quite the buffoon.

•••

Flaherty: We take the same approach that Canadian families take in managing their household budgets.

Super-Expert Analysis: We’re buying me an iPad? Awesome!

•••

Flaherty: At all times, government must remember the true source of our prosperity.

Super-Expert Analysis: Income taxes paid by Nickelback.

•••

Flaherty: Just days ago, the greatest athletes of the world gathered in the magnificent Western gateway to our Canada.

Super-Expert Analysis: I believe the word the Finance Minister is looking for is “Vancouver.”

•••

Flaherty: Let us savour the achievements of our Canadian Olympic champions. Our future is reflected in their medals.

Super-Expert Analysis: First of all, let this serve as a valuable lesson: never begin an austerity program by scrimping on your speechwriter. And second: are you saying our future is in the hands of skeleton gold medalist Jon Montgomery? Because that dude is psycho.

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