Investigating a certain other God particle -

Investigating a certain other God particle

What we can glean from Stephen Harper’s Calgary Stampede speech

Investigating a certain other God particle

CP; Getty Images; Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Stephen Harper gave a speech this past weekend at the Calgary Stampede. The Prime Minister’s words are in bold. Mine are not.

The Stampede! The greatest outdoor show on Earth! Hosted in the greatest city of the greatest country in the world!

You heard him—Calgary is the GREATEST CITY in the world. Apparently, that title is now conferred based on largest number of Earls restaurants.

We remember when the new Conservative party was just a concept and some smirked and said Canada’s right would never unite.

That’s not true. Many of us chose to snigger.

You, and people like you, got to work—[people] who loved this country and loathed what the other parties were doing to it.

For instance, who among us didn’t loathe those consecutive balanced budgets? Having to tally so many billions in surplus—those Liberals made us do math, dammit.

And so we built a party—a party to carry conservative ideas to Ottawa.

And, once in Ottawa, a party to drop conservative ideas, jack up spending and make sure Peter MacKay has a lift home.

But my friends, tonight is not about the past.

[A tear rolls down the past’s left cheek.]

It’s about the work we still have to do if Canada is going to be all that Canada can be.

Remain steadfast, friends—the task of coaxing John Baird to use his inside voice continues.

Having a majority does not mean it’s time to take the foot off the gas. On the contrary, it’s time to shove the pedal to the floor and get things done.

(In the speech draft released by the PMO, pedal is spelled “peddle”—and, to be fair, when it comes to trying to convince us that Harper’s economic genius is responsible for Canada’s relative prosperity, the government is indeed “shoving the peddle.”)

And, by the way, we have not given up on our goal of reforming the Senate.

Interesting choice of words there: “by the way.” It really conveys a sense of commitment. I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who famously declared: “And, by the way, just FYI, still totally against slavery.”

We have finally eliminated those extravagant $30-million subsidies we used to pay to political parties!

Imagine if we’d done so in time to give that money to Tony Clement: his hometown would be even more gazeboed. It would be so gazeboed that it would be the greatest city in the world! Sorry, Calgary.

Last year we won . . . C’mon now, you know what I’m going to say, so say it with me . . . Last year we won a strong, stable, national, majority Conservative government!

Friends: those European physicists are out to lunch. We all know it is my strong, stable, national, excessively adjectived majority Conservative government that holds together the known universe. That’s why they call it the Harper boson.

As we approach the 150th anniversary of Confederation, we are highlighting the actions and the sacrifices made by our ancestors.

If you enjoyed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, get ready for the NFB blockbuster Laura Secord: Zombie Whisperer.

It is hard to believe that two centuries ago, this country was invaded by the U.S. But more unbelievable is that it survived the invasion.

This just in: Harper doubts Canada’s military capabilities. WHY WON’T HE SUPPORT THE TROOPS?

But it did more than just survive [the war] . . . what a fantastic Canadian story!

Especially all the scalpings, gangrene and dysentery!

The world around us seems to be one of extraordinary uncertainty—its economy fragile, its conflicts dangerous, its future dire . . .

its Kardashians divorced, its muffins “over-cakey” . . .

To succeed, what the world must become in the future . . . is what Canada is today.

Here’s how to become like us, world: exploit your massive natural bounty of resources to prop up your economy during times of hardship. Wait—you don’t have a bounty of resources? No problemo! Bury some algae and goldfish and whatnot. Get every citizen of your country to press down really hard on the ground. Wait a few million years. Presto, oil boom!

Thank you again for your steadfast support! God bless Canada.

But not Calgary—if that place gets any more spectacular, we’re just rubbing New York’s face in it.