Lingerie Bowl cancelled. [Insert tears here.]

The best part of Super Bowl Sunday has been ruined.

The best part of Super Bowl Sunday – not counting the part where John Madden eats the losing team – has been ruined. By nudists.

You heard me. The Lingerie Bowl, the most thong-based day on the sporting calendar, the championship of the 10-team Lingerie Football League (Go San Diego Seduction!), the game that was to air on pay-per-view during Super Bowl halftime (which typically lasts somewhere between an eternity and an eon), the gridiron flesh dance that… wait – that’s probably not a decent enough description, you probably need a photo to get a true mental picture of what I’m talking about…


… has been cancelled.

Read, weep and prepare yourself to sign my petition of outrage:

Citing conflicts with the hosting Caliente nudist resort over a “clothing mandate” that organizers say was agreed upon, the Lingerie Football League is throwing in the towel. A league spokesman said holding and broadcasting the [Lingerie Bowl] in the nude or around nude people was not what the players or league had in mind.

“The league will not place our fans, players, staff nor partners in a less-than-comfortable environment that would ultimately jeopardize the mainstream perception and reputation of the brand that so many have worked diligently over these past five years to build,” the league’s Stephon McMillen said.

It’s difficult to put a finger on the most enjoyable part of the preceding two paragraphs, but in the name of science let’s give it a try.

Is it the fact that:

  • the Lingerie Football League exists?
  • the Lingerie Football League actually has a spokesman? (I bet that guy’s thesaurus is opened permanently to the page that contains the word “scantily.”)
  • the statement issued by the official spokesman of the Lingerie Football League carries a tone of solemnity and big-wordedness that would be more at home in a sorry-about-that-deadly-listeriosis-outbreak news release?
  • the Lingerie Football League, which if we had to make a guess probably places more emphasis on the “lingerie” than on the “football,” is so uppity and puritan about nudity. (Hot babes tackling each other while wearing 1.2 square inches of satin? Perfect. A bum? Outrageous!)
  • full-grown adults actually entered into negotiation, prepared contracts, engaged in arguments, made long-distance phone calls, confided to their spouses, prepared Powerpoints and felt actual stress about a football game that was to be played by attractive women whose primary skill in real life is almost always remembering to turn around when they reach the end of the runway?
  • upon receiving news of the game’s cancellation via Google Alert, Charlie Sheen likely punched the wall with his fist?

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