Ghosts of Girlfriends Past opens Friday. The dimensional rift revealing an invading horde of interstellar aliens who financed this movie as a grim foretelling of what life on Earth will be like under their cruel, despotic rule opens Saturday.
0:02 This film is rated “PG-13” for “Sexual content throughout, some language and a drug reference.” Meanwhile, theatres in which this film is playing will be rated “Aiiieee!” for “Chronic eyerolling throughout, some language and a ‘Do we still have time to sneak into Wolverine?’ reference.”
0:05 “Good morning Connor, Versace is on one.” In the earliest moments of the trailer, we learn that Matthew McConaughey plays a highly successful fashion photographer who a) takes pictures of sexy ladies, sometimes in their underpants, for a living, and b) has a pathological aversion to the top three buttons on his shirt.
0:08 Graphics: “Connor Mead is a success… with work… and with women.” We see McConaughey stare ahead intently. We see him in the company of lingerie-clad models. We hear him say things like, “You’re ravishing.” All this lends credence to the theory that McConaughey is the first actor whose research for a role consisted of spending time with himself.
0:17 We see McConaughey break up with three girls at once via video conference call. This is the part of the movie that people will still laugh at when they see the movie even though they’ve already seen the joke in the trailer because, well, I’m not sure why. It just happens.
0:26 Hey, Jennifer Garner is in this movie. She’s got that defeated look about her that says, “First, marrying Ben Affleck – and now this?” We’re about three weeks away from a tabloid story that explains how her husband blew their fortune on booze or magic beans or body waxing so she had to take whatever movie she could get, pronto.
0:29 Garner’s character and McConaughey’s character have – sharp intake of breath – a history. After years apart, they’re meeting again on the eve of the wedding of a mutual friend. Ladies and gentlemen, the odds of a slow-motion historical montage just dropped to even.
0:33 Garner: “If you do anything to detract from her wedding, I will sneak into your room in the middle of the night and cut off your favorite appendage.” McConaughey: “That first part sounds nice.” He says it in a voice that he intends to be his Sexy Guy voice but it comes out sounding more like his Should be Playing the John Malkovich Role in Of Mice and Men Voice.
0:35 Spoiler alert: in that last bit of dialogue, I think she meant his wang.
0:41 McConaughey stares into a mirror. He is having deep thoughts, man: “THIS is going to be tougher than I thought.” This line of dialogue brought to you by Half-Hearted Delivery. Half-Hearted Delivery: Easier than actually learning how to act.
0:46 Michael Douglas shows up as… a ghost? OK, why not. From the looks of it they could have just used the exact footage of John Forsythe from Scrooged, but fine.
0:52 Douglas warns McConaughey that he’s going to be visited tonight by… three ghosts. Question: Wouldn’t it have been easier for McConaughey to just unearth the skeleton of Charles Dickens and have sex with it? Why did he have to involve the moviegoing public in his scheme to desecrate the author’s memory?
0:55 To recap then: This movie is basically A Christmas Carol except with scantily attired babes, terrible acting and Michael Douglas as a hard-drinking dead guy. On second thought, I’m actually fine with this.
0:58 McConaughey discovers a lady in his bed. But not just any lady – a non-naked lady (ie. McConaughey’s worst kind of lady) “Who are YOU?!” he asks (and he asks it just like that, including the capital letters). “I’m, like, the ghost of girlfriends past.” They put the “like” in there so the kids would know this wasn’t some stodgy movie from the 1930s.
1:01 Hmm, a ghost of girlfriends past. Why didn’t Dickens think of that? Tiny Tim would have made a hell of a wingman.
1:05 McConaughey is confronted by the sight of all of his former girlfriends together in one room at the same time. Dude, we’ve all been there! – am I right, fellas? (My room was smaller… fine, it was a cupboard… also, the women were imaginary. But still.)
1:17 Shots of Garner and McConaughey made up to look younger and, in McConaughey’s case, Cher-ier. Awww, the two characters have a backstory! Gee, I wonder if things will turn a little maudlin at any – “This is the moment you truly fell in love with Jenny” – uh, never mind.
1:32 Cue the Trailer Voice Guy: “What if you could relive your past? What if you could listen in on the present? What if you could change the future?” Other questions that come to mind: “What if you hit yourself over the head with a skillet right now? Would it hurt more or less than this trailer is making it hurt? Also, why does God hate us so much?”
1:41 We’re nearing the end of the trailer and I’m a little worried – McConaughey hasn’t yet appeared barechested. This would put a tragic end to his pursuit of the record for Consecutive Movies Featuring Shirtlessness, a mark currently shared by Pierce Brosnan and Lassie.
1:50 Wedding scene from the future. Jennifer Garner is marrying someone else. It’s a climactic moment of complete disbelief, like Scrooge staring into his own grave or McConaughey staring at a three-syllable word in the script. This call for some… Acting! Showing his dedication to craft, McConaughey unholsters both of his thespian guns: 1) eyeball bulging, and 2) sheer volume. “No, NO, NOO! – you were SUPPOSED to be WITH ME. SHE WAS ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME!!”
2:04 McConaughey, left alone in the kitchen, somehow manages to ruin an ornate wedding cake. He then takes a phone call from Three’s Company, which wants its plot back.