NFL Picks Week 16: Grandma Got Run Over By a Freeney

Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-6-3 Season 113-105-6

Scott Reid Last week: 3-10-3 Season 114-104-6

It’s Christmas Eve and we still haven’t wrapped Bill Cowher for the people of Washington, so let’s keep things brief…

San Diego (minus 3) at Tennessee, Christmas night

Feschuk: Nothing says “Christmas spirit” quite like gathering around the TV as a family and counting the number of times that Norv Turner looks as though he’s trying to remember if he turned his car lights off (Spoiler alert: 73). Pick: Tennessee.

Reid: This game means nothing and will still be fun to watch – which makes it half-like the Toronto Maple Leafs since 1967. Pick: Tennessee

Seattle (plus 14) at Green Bay

Reid: Two former Holmgren franchises – they both win now that Cleveland has to carry that fat crate of ego. Pick: Green Bay.

Feschuk: He’s not fat, he’s big boned. Well, he’s boned, anyway. Pick: Green Bay.

Jacksonville (plus 7.5) at New England

Feschuk: Side effects of wagering money on the 2009 Patriots to cover any spread may include: dry mouth, upset stomach, irritability, gigantism, stigmata, cacophonous flatulence (commonly known as “trumpet farts”) and extreme poverty. Pick: Jacksonville.

Reid: If you consult Grey’s Anatomy (the medical reference manual – not the vomitous television program that lurches along two years past its ‘to be euthanized’ date) you’ll see that trumpet farts are actually defined as ‘stentorian flatulence’ – let’s show a little respect for medical warnings. Pick: Jacksonville.

Oakland (plus 3.5) at Cleveland

Reid: If Mangini were any deader his CB handle would be Swayze. Pick: Oakland.

Feschuk: As we approach the season of elaborately named college football bowl games (ex. The Rose Bowl Presented by Citi Presented by Your $300-billion in Emergency Government Loan Guarantees), I would like to welcome you to the If You’re Watching This, You Must Be Brady Quinn’s Mom Classic. Pick: Oakland.

Baltimore (plus 2.5) at Pittsburgh

Feschuk: They beat good teams, they lose to terrible teams – the Steelers make Phil Collins’ solo career look consistent. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Reid: Take that back – from Face Value to Dance Into the Light the man was money in the bank. Pick: Pittsburgh

New York Jets (plus 5.5) at Indianapolis

Reid: Watching Sanchez throw the football is like watching horses knit – drunk, arthritic horses with really fat hooves. Pick: Indy.

Feschuk: I’m not saying Indy is going to cruise its way into the playoffs, but Peyton Manning intends to spend the third quarter shooting another commercial for double-stuffed Oreos. Pick: Jets.

Denver (plus 7) at Philadelphia

Feschuk: Watching Josh McDaniels try to figure out what’s wrong with his Broncos is like watching an old person try to use one of those self-scan checkouts at the grocery store – just a lot of prolonged stares and helpless looks. Pick: Philadelphia.

Reid: All Andy Reid wants for Christmas is 10 minutes alone inside the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups factory. Pick: Philadelphia.

Detroit (plus 11.5) at San Francisco

Reid: Daunte Culpepper should change his name to Daunte Manning – may not help but… Pick: San Francisco.

Feschuk: Failing that, he could wear one of those catchy slogans like you see on the highway: “If I Was Your Quarterback, Your Franchise Would Be Futile By Now!” Pick: San Francisco.

K.C. (plus 14) at Cincinnati

Feschuk: If the story of the Chiefs’ season is ever adapted for the big screen, I’m not sure they’ll ever find anyone capable of portraying Matt Cassel’s quarterbacking performance considering that Don Adams, Don Knotts and all three stooges are dead. Pick: Cincinnati.

Reid: Earlier this week I lost $100 to you playing Wii Sports Resort (virtual archery is for losers) and as I lay awake that night dreaming of ways to end your life it occurred to me what it must be like to live life as Matt Cassel. Pick: Cincinnati

Carolina (plus 5.5) at New York Giants

Reid: Eli Manning looked so hot on Monday night he’s going to have to change his name to Ryan Reynolds. (Look, I’m not gay – but if I were I’d have a tall drink of that dude. He’s an icy glass of lemonade on a summer’s day). Pick: New York.

Feschuk: Instructions for how to remove mental image created just now by Scott Reid: 1. Take frying pan. 2. Aim at head and fire away. 3. If mental image persists, repeat above steps with loaded revolver. Pick: New York.

Buffalo (plus 9) at Atlanta

Feschuk: The Falcons have about as much chance of making the playoffs as Howie Long does of picking up the phone and hearing the words, “It’s Radio Shack – we want to make some more of those commercials with you and Teri Hatcher.” Pick: Buffalo.

Reid: I like it when people say things like ‘Buffalo plays everyone hard’ – cause that means Buffalo is not winning. Pick: Buffalo.

Tampa Bay (plus 14.5) at New Orleans

Reid: New Orleans lost. To Dallas. In December! Piss. On. Christmas. Pick: Tampa Bay.

Feschuk: I haven’t seen the makings of such a gruesome slaughter since someone placed a plate of turkey and stuffing in front of Mike Holmgren. Pick: New Orleans.

Houston (plus 3) at Miami

Feschuk: The Texans always look good, they always get their fair share of hype and they always let people down in the end – they’re the NFL equivalent of Will Ferrell film trailers and Liberal leaders. Pick: Miami.

Reid: Perhaps you’ve not seen the bloopers reel from Land of the Lost. Pick: Miami

St. Louis (plus 14) at Arizona

Reid: Every once in a while I think about how Matt Leinart must feel and then I remember: He can make it with anyone not named Gisele. It’s not so bad. Pick: St Louis.

Feschuk: Motivational sign posted in the Rams locker room this week “Winners never quit, and … well, frankly it’s hard to see how this applies to us.” Pick: Arizona.

Dallas (minus 4) at Washington

Feschuk: This is such a critical game for the Cowboys that Jerry Jones has hired a guy to make reactive facial expressions on his behalf. Pick: Dallas.

Reid: I’m not saying that Jim Zorn is nutless but if you took his pants off, I think you’d find the same smooth hard plastic that lies beneath Malibu Ken’s linen shorts (or am I thinking of you again). Pick: Dallas

Minnesota (minus 7) at Chicago

Reid: I hear Obama’s health care plan will pass Congress imminently, setting the stage for the inevitable Cutler death panel. Pick: Minnesota.

Feschuk: In a job-security competition, Lovie Smith would lose right now to a Hooters waitress who spends the holidays gaining 15 pounds and undergoing a sex change. Pick: Minnesota.

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