The Parade That Will Not End

CNN has had the “Now: President Obama Watches Parade” on for what feels like three millennia. Remember all those zombie movies where you eliminate the first group of zombies only to find a second group of zombies behind them? This is like that, but with marching bands. Bands with baton twirlers, bands with flags, bands with frilly costumes and bands with bayonets, but they just keep coming.

On the bright side, we now know why Obama won’t be able to fix any of the world’s problems (which officially became his fault at noon today): he’s trapped watching marching bands for the rest of his life.

Update: Wait, could it be? Yes! The President and his wife have escaped to their home, with the marching bands in hot pursuit. Tonight they’ll be awakened by the faint sound of “Stars and Stripes Forever…” and they’ll open the Oval Office door and legions of trombone players will leap out at them in a shocking twist. You know how these stories work.

On the subject of marching bands, I had a dispute with a co-worker about whether it’s dangerous to arm these kids with batons and solid metal instruments, or whether giving them these things distracts them from the gun violence they’d undoubtedly be committing if they didn’t have these marching-band gangs to work off their hostility.