what stephane dion REALLY needs to do to win the next election (hint: ka-boom!) - Macleans.ca

what stephane dion REALLY needs to do to win the next election (hint: ka-boom!)

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Many of you are caught up in the excitement generated by my astute suggestion that Stephane Dion improve his electoral prospects by growing a moustache. As an expert political strategist (very savvy), I am accustomed to this. After all, anyone can think outside the box. Only an expert political strategist like myself (very savvy) can think outside the box while simultaneously kicking a paradigm in the nuts. Your move, status quo.

But I’m now a little worried that growing a thick, manly fringe of facial hair just might not be enough – crazy as it sounds – to put Stephane Dion over the top.

Some of you may have noticed that on Saturday there were a bunch of headlines about how Stephane Dion was thinking about forcing a fall election. And then today there are a bunch of headlines about how he’s thinking about not forcing a fall election. This is a familiar theme for Dion: what Stephen Harper is doing as prime minister is horribly wrong, Dion says, but not so horribly wrong that Dion is going to do anything about doing anything about it.

I’m not saying that Stephane Dion doesn’t have good reason to take his finger off the election trigger. As he himself explains it, you and other Canadians had to cast a vote in 2004. Then you had to vote again in 2006. And then last year a bunch of provinces had elections of their own, the crazy bastards.

So Stephane Dion is very concerned that all this voting may have left you emotionally, physically and intellectually spent. He’s wary of forcing another election because he’s anxious you might not be ready to once again undertake the arduous chore of hoisting a pencil and using it to choose a whole, entire candidate.

He’s fearful of an nationwide outbreak of post-election stress disorder – an affliction characterized by a pale, spectral population roaming the streets in a daze, randomly marking X’s on telephone poles, automobiles and slow-moving dogs. Plus, Dion himself has got a lot of things on his plate – and if he wins an election, then on top of it all he’ll need to remember a new home phone number. Too much!

Even I am not sure that a single moustache, no matter the scope of its awesomeness (and it would be very awesome), has sufficient power to overcome an excuse this sorry. So I am making a slight revision to my earlier suggestion – to win the next election, Stephane Dion must grow a moustache annnnnnd… give the position of national campaign chairman to Michael Bay.

You heard me. At this point I don’t believe anything short of the simulated destruction of an entire metropolitan area by killer robots with poor character development would be sufficient to generate widespread public interest in Stephane Dion.

Plus, a majority of political scientists in this country has long believed that the leaders’ debates would be far more compelling if the head of the Liberal party was a Transformer who had a cannon for an arm. I mean, think about how our national history would have been different:

Mulroney: You had an option, sir, you could have said no. You could –

Turner: [BOOOM!]

Broadbent: Hey, wait a minute, he raises a good point about –

Turner: [BOOOM!]

Knowlton Nash: Well, with only one leader left on stage, I guess tonight’s debate is –

Turner: [BOOOOOM!]