According to the New York Times, Mark McGwire has had a baseball “rebirth” and is using his expertise to volunteer as a hitting instructor to four major leaguers.
OK, so what I want you to do is spread your legs a little wider. Good, that’s good. Now bend your knees just a touch more. Great. Straighten your back. Terrific. Now you’re in the perfect stance for me to jab this needle into your arse.
The newspaper reports that during the winter, McGwire “condensed the players’ swings [and] infused them with his knowledge and enthusiasm.” Also, this syringe full of vitamins, wink wink. Additionally, the story says McGwire strived to “strengthen their minds, which he described as the batters’ most powerful and least developed muscle” – a problem he quickly solved with injections directly to the head. The only side effect? Terrible acne on the cerebellum.
In an interview with the Times, McGwire said: “Hulk smash.”
Meanwhile, you may recall that several thousand members of the media descended on Tampa this past February, making the Super Bowl the only American event to be almost as well documented as Travis Henry’s heterosexuality.
In shocking news that no one could see coming except everyone, Henry – a former NFL running back and all-star sex-haver – now says he is broke and unable to support the nine children he has fathered by nine different mothers.
Henry’s plight is so unappealing that I almost wonder if being indicted on charges of cocaine trafficking would be a preferable pickle. Hang on, let’s ask him, since Henry has also been indicted on charges of cocaine trafficking.
“I love all my kids,” he said in a Times interview, but asserted he could not afford the designated support payments, estimated at $170,000 a year by his lawyer, who says Henry is virtually penniless. Apparently, Henry has been hit hard financially by costs associated with his legal defence and Mother’s Day.
Henry’s predicament showcases the consequences of making a stupid one-time mistake on nine consecutive occasions. “I did use protection at first,” he told the Times. “Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!”
In related news, the octomom just thought to herself: “Finally! Mr. Right.”