NRA: The world's foremost child protection agency

Gun-free schools are the most dangerous places on earth, right?

Are you a deranged young man living in the United States who fantasizes about shooting up your former school, but you’re worried that Joe Biden and his gun control “task force” will rob you of your assault rifle or subject you to endless background checks at the next gun show? Well have no fear, because there’s someone looking out for you. That’s right…

Thanks to insufficient mental health resources (chances are nobody knows just how deranged you are, or can’t afford to help you even if they do) and the new NRA-sponsored “operation school shield program”  you may just get to keep your guns forever. All of them.

Are you a veteran? Excellent. Used to be a cop? Even better.

Everyone knows, especially the world’s foremost child protection agency (the NRA, of course), that cops and soldiers are good guys. And all good guys should have guns, and go to school with said guns, because what is a gun-free school, if not an open invitation for bad guys. That’s right. Contrary to popular opinion (and fact), gun-free schools are the most dangerous places on earth. Ever. (As a Canadian survivour of the gun-free school system, I thank God every day for sparing my life.)

So what are you waiting for! Write to the NRA today. You know what they say. Early bird gets the AR-15.

If you didn’t catch the NRA press conference Friday morning, you probably don’t know that the NRA, like most of us, is really just in it for the kids. So in addition to Operation-scare-the-sh-t-out-of-American-youth, they’ve come up with a couple other strategies to tackle gun violence.

1. Mortal Combat must go, because everyone knows that the Kunai and Razor Rimmed Hat are gateway weapons to the bushmaster.

There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people, through vicious, violent video games with names like “Bulletstorm,” “Grand Theft Auto,” “Mortal Kombat,” and “Splatterhouse.”

2. We have to “cherish our kids more than our money.” An exceedingly selfless proposition as it will be hardest, no doubt, for the NRA itself.

From the New York Times:

Officials from the N.R.A. have repeatedly said their main goal is to protect the Second Amendment rights of rank-and-file members who like to hunt or want guns for protection. But that claim is at odds with surveys that show a majority of N.R.A. members and a majority of American gun owners often support restrictions on gun sales and ownership that the N.R.A. has bitterly fought.

For instance, a 2009 poll commissioned by Mayors Against Illegal Guns found that 69 percent of N.R.A. members would support requiring all sellers at gun shows to conduct background checks of prospective buyers, which they do not have to do now and which the N.R.A. has steadfastly argued against. If lawful gun owners are willing to subject themselves to background checks, why is the association resisting? Its position appears only to serve the interest of gun makers and dealers who want to increase sales even if it means having dangerous weapons fall into the hands of criminals and violent individuals.”

Or the next Adam Lanza.